Beautiful Disaster
by TheYamiNeko
Summary: Alice gets worked up everytime Jasper so much as mentions Bella. On the outside they remain the perfect couple but their relationship is broken beyond repair. When Jasper nearly attacks Bella at her 18th Birthday the Cullens move away and Alice seems normal again. But what will happen when Bella comes back into their lifes? (Eventually Bellsper, M rated in later chapters)
1. Prolog

**Author's Note:** Twilight and all its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. Also please keep in mind that this is my first fanfic and I'm not a native speaker

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**Prolog**

**Jasper's POV**

The door shut with a loud bang. I groaned and let myself sink further into the soft cushions of our four-poster bed. Why couldn't it be easy with this girl? She was so stubborn and lately very angry. Her anger -nearly wrath- took me by surprise. She was feeling so much despair and I was not able to place it nor find an appropriate reason for it. To say I felt at home with her simply wasn't true anymore. The feelings of love I once felt from and for her seemed to be long gone. We had a little spat that turned into a full grown argument faster than I could have said "disagreement". It was about Bella and like everything I said or did related to her human best friend it drove her up the wall. Lately it' been like that a lot. Alice didn't like my opinion about the birthday party she so thoroughly planned for Bella. In fact she jumped right into my face when I mentioned that Bella wasn't the kind of person who wanted a big party anyway.

I sighed deeply, flipping myself onto my side. Staring at the nicely framed picture of Alice and me on the bedside table I let out another huff of air. We were happy, very happy the day that picture was taken. I thought that I found my mate in every sense of the word. The one I would be with forever, but however hard we tried, forever turned out not as long as I thought it to be. Surely, in human time we were an ancient couple, but for vampires we were still newlyweds.

Downstairs the preparations were nearly done. Some crystal plates were put on the wooden table in the back of the room. As I slowly made my down the beautiful cake caught my eye. I could not help but shake my head. Who in the world should eat all of this? Surely not the only human that was attending this ridiculous party. I leaned against the post and shifted slightly when Alice appeared next to me and intertwined our fingers. Cocking an eyebrow I shot her a questioning glance. Was that an act now? Should we be the happy couple in front of everyone even though they probably heard ever single word of our argument? She just smiled standing up on her tiptoes to give me a short peck on the cheek.

"Shhh now! They are coming!" Esme said with a happy grin. I could feel the motherly love she held towards Bella pour out of her every time she so much as mentioned her. It was a feeling she held towards all of us of course. But still it surprised me how after such a short time Bella had Carlisle and Esme already wrapped around her little finger. All of us let her in so easily. Even Rosalie though she didn't admit it yet.

Her amazing scent hit me long before she entered the room. Freesia and strawberries with a hint of vanilla. My lips curled up into a soft smile when Edward actually opened the door for her. Bella looked beautiful. Her long mahogany hair flowed in curls around her shoulders, bouncing ever so slightly with each step she took into the room. We all greeted her with a loud chant of "Happy Birthday". Her scent grew even stronger now that she blushed. I felt her embarrassment and discomfort as she looked around the room. Edward looked at me as I thought about how uneasy Bella felt and wrapped a protective arm around her waist. He looked me directly into the eyes as he kissed the top of her head and I could have sworn that there was a little possessiveness coming off of him but it was gone as soon as I noticed it. Odd. When Esme and Carlisle greeted her, Carlisle apologized for the ludicrous decorations with a side glance at Alice who practically bounced up and down beside me with excitement.

There was an enhancement in the already rich scent of Bella's blood when more of it rushed to her face at something Emmett said. His booming laughter echoed off the walls as he made his way outside to install the radio which was Rosalie, Emmett and my present to Bella. Just then Alice let go of my hand to ship over to Bella and get her to open the presents. I noticed how Bella looked at me and smiled. Her emotions reached from joy to disappointment. Judging by her sad understanding nod her disappointment was directed at my reserved position in the room. During our trip to Phoenix our relationship was getting better and we were pretty close due to the danger of the situation but now that the storm was over and everything calmed down I kept my distance again. Not because I didn't trust my control around her but mainly because everyone else seemed to be wary about me in her presence.

Bella unwrapped my present with a self-conscious look on her face and when she actually opened it and furrowed her brow at the already empty box thanking us for seemingly nothing, I cracked up.

"It's a stereo for your truck... Emmett is installing it right now so you can't return it." I explained with a grin.

I watched as Alice handed her the next present which seemed to be from Edward and her. Wanting to know what my wife would get Bella I sneaked closer to get a better look. Just when I had the perfect view of Bella jerking her finger under the tape of the slim envelope I heard her curse and draw her finger back to reveal a perfect little scarlet drop of blood oozing out of her paper cut.

As soon as I realized what happened I wanted to back away but Edward's roar startled me and I watched with absolute horror as he flung Bella across the table into the cake and crystal plates shattering everything under her and making her bleed profusely. I felt the bloodlust of five vampires crash into me at the same time and in my struggle to keep my cool a snarl escaped my mouth. Edward slammed into me with everything he got but that wasn't enough to restrain the Major. I looked at the weak human in front of me striving to see more in her than just my next meal. But the combined emotions of everyone in the room were too much for me. Still struggling I let Emmett and Rosalie push me out of the house. It was like watching my own body from above as I snarled and growled at them snapping my teeth at anything I could reach. I could only hope that Bella and everyone else could forgive me for leashing out in the way I did.

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**Author's Note:** so... this was the first chapter. It's only a prolog and not really anything but the birthday party out of Jasper's POV. But it's my first fanfic ever so please be kind! I am looking forward to any review even if it's just to tell me that I'm a crappy writer ;)


	2. Chapter 1: At Least Try

**Author's Note:** Twilight and all its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. Also please keep in mind that this is my first fanfic and I'm not a native speaker.

The song used in the beginning is "Just give me a reason" by P!nk

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**Chapter 1: At least try**

I'm sorry I don't understand  
Where all of this is coming from  
I thought that we were fine

Your head is running wild again  
My dear we still have everything'  
And it's all in your mind

_Chapter's Summary: The first months after the Cullens left Bella in Forks. Alice is acting normal again but whenever Jasper mentions Bella she is getting angry beyond reason.._

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**Jasper's POV**

It's been two weeks since "the incident" as my family liked to call it. Two weeks since my almost slip and the Cullens still weren't back to normal yet. Especially Esme had a hard time coping with the loss of her newly found daughter. The self loathing I felt from her was even stronger than the one coming off of Alice and Edward. She hated to leave her daughter behind like this.. without so much as a goodbye. Rosalie on the other hand was in a particularly good mood for the first week. She had this "I told you so" expression on her face that only disappeared when she noticed how her own mate was affected by suddenly losing his clumsy little sister. Not that she really cared for Bella but even Rose held negative feeling towards Edward lately. No one in this family could understand why he left Bella or why we needed to move from Forks ASAP. Sure it was best if I wouldn't go near her for a few weeks but making all of us leave seemed too drastic even for Edward's extremely high set standards. The only backup he got was from my wife. They seemed to engage in their silent conversations more often lately and while it always kinda pissed me off it was absolutely annoying by now. Especially now that I needed Alice more than ever.

Since the incident I tried to regain my control. First by overfeeding on animal blood than by slowly exposing myself to small blood samples Carlisle would bring from work. We actually figured out that my self-control around blood was more than enough to stand smaller amounts of fresh human blood and it was Eleazar that eventually found the key to why I nearly lost it that day. He always possessed the special ability to sense other vampires' and sometimes even human abilities. It was easy for him to see that I was an empath which I of course already knew. But when Eleazar explained my gift to me in detail it all became really clear to us. While I can feel and manipulate the emotions of the ones around me I still hadn't learned how to shut other people's emotions out. So on Bella's birthday I wasn't only confronted with my own bloodlust which I could control fairly well by now but with the bloodlust of five other vampires. Edward's bloodlust being the strongest because Bella's blood didn't only smell great to him like it did to all of us but she was also his singer and that made it nearly impossible for him to resist. But he did resist and I didn't. This fact nearly shattered my perception of myself and it didn't help that Alice was sure to remind me whenever she thought I was close to forgetting about how I almost killed her best friend.

Alice. She had been better this past two weeks. Apart from her obvious sad and hurt emotions she was also feeling incredibly relieved the moment we moved away from Forks and Bella. Joyful emotions made it into her every actions and she was getting more like herself everyday. I even felt a pang of lust directed at me every now and then and it wasn't like I wanted to push her away but I simply couldn't engage in any sexual actions right now. She tried to understand why I would put my focus on my self control and shutting out everybody's emotions but her patience ran thin.

"Jazz please... what is wrong? I'm practically throwing myself at you hear and you're not even looking!" she pouted at me from our bed. I must admit she looked really good in that black and blue lingerie but I was in the middle of some research on something that could help me with my shutting out problems. Eleazar had lent me some of his studies he wrote when he worked with the Volturi in Italy a few decades ago.

"Jasper! Really you're not even looking at me." crawling over to the end of the bed she put on her best seduction face and send me a shit-ton of lust.

"Alice!" I growled out in warning.

"What's it Jazzy? Come to me.. I want to kiss you. It's been so long.."

Really how could she sound so innocent when she just manipulated me so knowingly? Goddamnit she is using my weakness against me right now that I try to get rid of it? The nerve she got. I leaned back in my chair pinching the bridge of my nose I let out another frustrated growl. Against my will my member was rock hard and all to willing to give in to Alice pleading but if I gave in I could forget about self control. I took a calming breath even though essentially I didn't need it and concentrated on shutting Alice emotions out. Kate actually talked me through some simple methods of regulating my gift. I was used to shut my own emotions of so I wasn't projecting my remorse all the time. I learned that early on but it seemed so much easier to reign yourself in than to leave out everybody else. Taking one last breath I concentrated on Alice emotions. It was easy to distinguish hers from the ones currently coming from the other rooms. Focusing solely on them I tried to push her lust out of me visualizing a barrier between her feelings and my own. Sighing I looked back up at her. Although her emotions seemed to be less prominent now they were still affecting me.

"Darling I'm sorry but I really don't want to make love to you right now.."

Huffing she collected her clothes from the dresser and threw her shirt and skirt back on.

"Fine... go back to whatever you did before I so wrongfully wanted to sleep with you.. my husband"

"Alice darling.." I sighed again rising from my chair to get to her.

"No! Just don't!" she yelled. Extending her pointer at me. Her glare surprised me yet again.

"What? Why are you acting like that now?"

"Why I am acting like this? Wtf Jasper!? You are the one that didn't touch me in weeks and here I am asking for some sort of affection and you are trying to block me. So what is wrong with you?" by now she shouted her face contorted in anger, her eyes pooling with venom tears she could never shed. Slowly I made my way over to her.

"Alice, love. Please just let me hold you. I'm sorry I tried to shut you out but since I almost attacked Bella I just can't think of anything else but how scared she was of me and how it could have been all different if I just knew how to block all of your bloodlust." I tried to reason with her. I knew I had neglected her these last few weeks and I knew deep down it wasn't only because I focused on other things at the moment. Our relationship was broken way before the incident. It was just the last straw that made me see how broken we really were.

"Bella! Bella again. Damn straight Jasper, you almost killed her for your own poor control so don't even try to put any blame on us and our bloodlust! I don't know what Eleazar told you but I am 100% sure you would have attacked anyway. Even if we hadn't felt anything. It was your urge to go drain Bella and not ours."

Ouch. That really hurt. My own wife.. the woman I considered my mate for the last 57 years had no trust in my control at all.

"Alice that's enough!" with a calm but determined expression Carlisle opened the door to our room. "I hate to barge in like that but your comment was really uncalled for. I want you to apologize to Jasper, your husband and mate." Alice eyed me remorsefully venom still pooling in her eyes.

"I'm so sorry Jazzy.. I didn't mean to.. I was just so angry that you mentioned that day again. Since you nearly slipped we hadn't had any moment as husband and wife and I really miss you." I wanted nothing more than to take her into my arms right now and forget everything that happened but it was too late already. I could feel that the bond we once shared was severed and even if we tried to mend it back together a knot would remain.

"So," Carlisle began as his eyes darted between me and Alice. "Do you think you could continue your argument on an appropriate level because otherwise I suggest you two go hunting to cool of a bit before you go back to resolving this issue you seem to have." With that he left the room closing the door with one last encouraging nod in my direction.

"Jazz, honey I'm really sorry. I don't know what's gotten into me right now but I love you."

Staring at her it was clear to me that we could ether try to mend our relationship and live with the knots or end it right here and try to live as friends from now on. Even if I made a decision in that moment, it wouldn't mean that Alice would agree with my decisions so I took the next best turn and decided not to decide just yet.

"Alice, I do still love you and I do need you but I'm not quite sure how I'm supposed to deal with all of this just now. So I'm going to go out of this door now and I won't be coming back for a bit but I want you to know that it's going to be ok and I will come back. I just can't discuss anything right now." And with that I left taking only what I had on me that moment I went downstairs and nodded at Carlisle who gave me an understanding smile. Esme came rushing out of the kitchen nearly crushing me in a fierce hug.

"Jasper please don't go. I know I might have been a bit distanced but I'm not blaming you!" I smiled down at my loving mother and my dead heart warmed up to her even more.

"Mother I'm not leaving because of anything you felt or said or did. I just need to be alone right now. I love you all and I will be back in a few days. Okay?"

"Okay." Esme nodded, sniffling she let go of me and so I went out of the door and into the woods.

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**Author's Note:** So what do you think? Chapter 1 after my Prolog. I was so overwhelmed by all your kind words and would like to thank everyone who reviewed, faved and/or followed. I am soooo happy right now 'cause I never even expected that. I can't promise that I keep up this fast pace but you know what? Happy writers write faster :)


	3. Chapter 2: Dust

**Author's Note:** Twilight and all it's characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. Please keep in mind that this is my first fanfic and I'm not a native speaker. The song used is "Can't Go Back" by Rosi Golan.

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**Chapter 2: Dust**

I don't wanna be a witness to a path that's overgrown  
I don't wanna see this house not be a home  
'Cause time has taken toll on what we couldn't see  
No I don't wanna be a witness to the end of you and me

**Chapter's Summary:** Three month after "the incident".Bella experiences great heartache because of the Cullens absence. Sleeping at their old house she comes across a lot of interesting things.

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**Bella's POV**

"Shit.."

I was totally lost. Who would think that a short walk through the woods could turn into a two-hour hike? In a futile attempt to find my way back home I fell over a rotten stub scraping my knee and possibly spraining my ankle. The rotten leafs were crushing under my boots and every time a twig snapped under my foot I nearly jumped out of my skin. It had been a rather nice winter's day when I started my little walk. With crisp air and a fine sheen of snow covering the grass in our backyard it seemed to be a friendly day, perfect for a short walk. But as soon as I entered the woods it seemed like all the light had been sucked away and without the sunlight it got cold pretty fast. Nevertheless I continued my walk.

It was the first time since that day that I set foot into these woods. Everything changed since this one day almost three month ago. Nothing felt the same anymore after Edward left. He took everything with him.. the pictures of us, his presents to me and even the CD that had been in my CD-player. It was like he was never even there. At some point I actually asked Charlie if he remembered my gorgeous boyfriend and his beautiful family. He had looked at me like I was going crazy. Honestly.. sometimes it felt like I was indeed losing my shit.

My lips started to feel sore from the cold and the snot that was constantly running out of my nose. Wiping away some of it with my mittens I turned around another corner. I just couldn't figure out if I was following an animal trail or actually the beaten track hikers often used to get to the beautiful clearing with the little pond. It was no use.. I was definitely lost in these fucking woods and there was no way telling how late it already was seeing that I effectively forgot my mobile at home. My feet told me that I walked for at least 5 hours but in my mind I knew that it hadn't been that long.

Suddenly a clearing came into view and I was almost hopeful. If I had indeed followed the beaten track I could follow it back home! But as I proceeded on my way it became clear to me that this clearing was nothing like the one with the little pond. It was bigger and wider and a little river was flowing right through it.

_"A river... Somehow this river seemed really familiar."_

As soon as that thought popped into my brain I spotted the big white mansion like home of my ex-boyfriend's family.

"Shit, shit, shit!" I cursed under my breath.

That's the last place I wanted to end up. I felt my heart ripping open again, tears springing into my eyes. It felt like I was in the middle of a black hole which slowly sucked all the life and joy out of me. It felt like a dementor had just shown up confronting me with my worst fears. Of course dementors weren't real... but so were vampires before I met them.

I thought I've had overcome those "wormhole days" like mom used to call them. For a little over two month I had been existing at most. Living and breathing but not much more. It scared the hell out of Charlie and apparently it scared away all of my friends. Even Angela Weber who used to be a good friend kept her distance nowadays but at least she tried longer than anybody else. Not even Jacob tried anymore after I broke down in front of him and screamed for about an hour before Charlie could comfort me and get me to shut up.

He had just mentioned the Cullen's name. Nothing more. But for the first to weeks that was enough to send me into a neurotic frenzy. Nobody understood how their departure affected me. It was like they took a part of me with them and where that part should have been was now a vicious scar that swallowed up everything if I didn't hold myself together. Some night I would wake up screaming, the terror still present in my eyes. My subconsciousness was spitting venom like a snake poisoning my dreams with imagines of the Cullens. In my dreams they looked down at me.. telling me that I was a feeble little human being that could never be anything but an evening snack for them.

Shaking off the thoughts of the last few month I wrapped my arms around myself. It was a habit I had developed when the "wormhole" was especially persistent. It gave me the feeling of holding myself together and whenever someone tried try pry my arm free it felt like my whole body would crumble. Holding myself together I made my way over to the beautiful house. From the outside it hadn't changed at all.. it stood there just as flawless and white as the day I've last seen it. Flawless and white just like its owners.

Only a moment ago I thought I was finally okay but now it seemed like the scar ripped open once again and everything hurt like the day they left me. Standing on the porch I tried to decide if I should really open that door just now. Maybe it was closed... most likely the house was empty and every way in locked. But maybe.. just maybe I would find my seven vampires inside and they would greet me like an old friend.

Slowly I reached for the doorknob my hand shaking, my breath coming in short shallow gasps. Panting I closed my hand around the knob and turned.

Nothing.

I tried again.

Nothing.

And again and again and again.

The door was locked.

With a huff I rounded the house in search for a possible way in. The backdoor was locked as well and the windows were covered with thick cardboard. It didn't seem like they were gone forever. More like they had been hasty in their departure and only used what was at hand to cover the windows. It looked a bit improvised to me and I found a window that was only halfheartedly covered with a thin layer of cardboard which was already rain-drenched and could easily be removed. Ripping at the soppy material I freed the window and looked inside. The whole furniture was covered with different kinds of blankets, cloths and covers. The next part of my breaking and entering was most likely going to hurt. I carefully wrapped my hand into my scarf and prepared for the pain.

"Ouch!" I whined at the searing pain in my knuckles. Breaking a window wasn't as easy as the movies made it look. I hadn't even cracked the glass. Well that only left one other option and I wasn't so keen on spraining my elbow as well. But was there really any other option? In about an hour it would be dark outside and I was not going to walk all the way home through a pitch black forest! Bracing myself again I rammed my elbow into the glass and luckily this time it broke.

I laughed silently at the irony. Isabella Marie Swan, daughter of the towns Chief of Police was breaking and entering into the house of her ex-boyfriend. Yeah certainly not something I wanted to see in our local newspapers. Reaching through the little hole I broke into the glass I managed to unlock the window and open it so I could climb through.

The interior of the house smelled like dust and broken dreams. I could still smell their beautiful scents lingering in every corner. I half expected Alice to skip down the stairs and crush me in one of her bone breaking hugs. I could almost hear Emmett's booming laughter and Esme chastising everyone for their foul language. Walking around the room I pulled off the blankets that covered the furniture and watched as little fluffs of dust danced through the air. Trying one of the light switches I found that the electricity wasn't working anymore. Pretty obvious but still it didn't hurt to try.

_"As long as the sun is up I might as well explore the house a bit."_ I thought to myself. Turning the corner I made my way up the stairs and into the next best room. Carlisle's office. A beautiful place to be! If they only had electricity I would be reading all night long. Wandering around I looked at the pictures on the wall and the many many books on the shelves. Definitely a place worth staying but for now I wanted to see more of the rooms I never got to see when I was with Edward.

Steering clear of Edward's room I went straight into another one I hadn't seen before. Judging by the numerous gaming devises and the large walk in closet I was inside Rosalie's and Emmett's room. Whereas I loved my big brother bear to shreds the room didn't really hold my interest and I moved back into the large floor.

For an unknown reason I didn't go into the next room but instead roamed about the other wing of the house opening a door to what seemed to be another office. It held at least as much books as Carlisle's office. The walls weren't decorated with pictures but with maps and flags. In the middle of the room stood a large wooden desk and on top of that desk sat something that looked like one of those strategizing maps with little wooden figures that resembled soldiers.

"Huh..that's curious." Who did this room belong to? As much as I knew none of the women were interested in strategizing and war scenery. Maybe Emmett or Carlisle held a little passion for something like that or maybe... yeah it seemed to fit. Jasper. A southern man through and through.

Taking a closer look I saw that the main theme was the civil war and the Confederate Army. I could certainly see Jasper sitting inside of this room brooding over maps and reading for hours straight. I sat down in a comfy old leather armchair. It smelled faintly like old books, vanilla and tobacco. A heavenly scent. I inhaled deeply and suddenly I felt really calm and sleepy. Maybe I should just stay here. I can't walk home at night anyway and tomorrow I could just walk along the streets. It would take longer to get home than through the woods that way but at least I wouldn't get lost so easily. I just hoped Charlie wouldn't be home before I got there. He was working double again and wasn't likely to get home before eight in the morning. So with a bit of luck my little "sleepover" would go unnoticed. Wrapping myself in the crocheted cover that lay over the back of the armchair and slowly dozed off.

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**Author's Note:** Hey there! I'm so sorry.. I was halfway through the chapter when my stomach decided that it didn't like the burritos I had for lunch. Well long story short I wasn't able to finish the chapter yesterday.

So Bella dozes off at the old Cullens residence after wandering through the woods. What do you think so far? Please let me know! :D

Thanks for the favs and follows I really appreciate it!


	4. Chapter 3: Dear Diary

**Author's Note: **Twilight and all it's characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. Please keep in mind that this is my first fanfic and I'm not a native speaker. The song used is "Come Back When You Can" by Barcelona.

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**Chapter 3: Dear Diary**

You left your home  
You're so far from  
Everything you know  
Your big dream is  
Crashing down and out your door.  
Wake up and dream once more.

**Chapter's Summary:**_ Jasper keeps running. His feet take him to the one place on earth he never wanted to see again. Still there are things he'd like to take with him and things he just doesn't want to leave behind._

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**Jasper's POV**

The only sounds I heard were the thumping of heartbeats, the loud thud with which my meal dropped to the forestfloor and the crunching sounds of my fast steps. I was alone with my thoughts and the sounds of nature. The only emotions I felt were my own and I was incredibly content letting my instincts lead the way. All through Alaska I had a ball snacking on black and brown bears and occasionally on a pack of wolves. I loved the special flavour of carnivores. A thousand times better than moose or caribou. Crossing the border I got to choose from different kinds of felines like Lynx', Bobcats and cougars.

It were the best two months of my existence. I thoroughly enjoyed my travel south and though I knew I would end up somewhere in the US I didn't think my feet would carry me back to Washington. As soon as I noticed where I was heading to I decided to slow my pace. My travel was roughly 2.000 miles long and I wasn't really keen on ending it just yet so I chose to hang around a bit. Knowing that I had to go back home sometime I crept closer and closer to Forks never quite making it over the border until I felt the presence of the shape shifting humans.

The stench of dog was lingering in the air and I was careful not to cross their marked line. The treaty line was something Carlisle told us about early on and I knew if crossed it war was upon me. However the dogs were curious enough to come really close and after a few days a copper skinned man came out of the woods. Huge wolves were hiding in the treeline behind him ready to pounce if I did anything suspicious.

"What do you want here?"

Haha.. right to the point.. not beating around the bush. These dogs weren't known for their patience. Charge first, ask questions later. It was a big surprise that they hadn't attacked me right when they caught my scent.

"Trying to decide if I really wanna go home." I answered bemused. What else could I probably answer?

"So you are one of them?" He stared at me intently. Focusing on my eyes.

"Care to elaborate?" I smiled at him, baring my perfect white teeth. A growl erupted behind him and a rather small wolf appeared out of the woods.

"Jacob!" The tall man roared at the bronze wolf who whimpered in response and bowed his head. Tugging his tail between his legs he made his way back into the treeline.

"The Cullens of course. You have the same eye-colour.."

I cringed at the name of my family. Was I really a Cullen? I preferred to call myself by my real name. My human name. Whitlock. I was Jasper Whitlock. Major in the Confederate Army. Even when I stayed with the Cullens I was a Hale because Rosalie and I were so "similar" in appearance. At least to human eyes. I was never truly a Cullen and right now I didn't feel like one.

"Yes and no. I live with them. We are a clan and three months ago we resided in Forks."

Furrowing his brow he looked at me again.

"You weren't with them when the treaty was made."

"No I wasn't. I joined them later with my wi... with another vampire."

"You know the rules?"

"Yes." I nodded in affirmation. I knew the rules by heart. _"Don't bite a human, not even to change them and don't cross the treaty line even if it was an emergency."_ Even if they hadn't marked their territory with that awful stench I knew were the line was because Carlisle made sure that if the wolfs ever came back we wouldn't run right into their territory and break the hard-earned treaty.

"Then you may proceed but I would like you to stay as far away from our territory as possible. You see we have pups in our pack that require some training and it would be inconvenient if an incident occurred." he said that with a side glance at the smaller wolf that had growled at me before. Nodding I retreated and broke into a slow jog.

I hadn't made my mind up yet but I knew in my heart that I would visit my old home in the next few days. There were too many things I didn't want to leave behind and a few I held dearly. I couldn't risk losing any of them or worse Alice finding and destroying them. Alice. She would know already that I decided to leave her. I wanted to be free again. Free of my family that judged my every step. Free of Alice and her visions that may or may not come true and free of the pity and wary that I could feel underneath the love they all held for me. But most of all I wanted to be free from Edward. His brooding was worse now that he left Bella and his emotions were darker than ever. Not to mention that I would be free to think whatever I wanted without feeling his glares on me all the time.

A happy grin spread across my face as I thought about all the possibilities. I could visit Peter and Char again! They were my closest friends and the ones I felt at home with. Even though their dietary hadn't changed much since we lived together in Maria's coven they tended to "eat" humans that deserved it. I could live with that. When I visited them they would sometimes humor me and hunt alongside me for the few weeks I stayed. Peter hated it but Char actually liked the hunt. She always said that the blood wasn't as tasty but it was just so much more fun to chase a bobcat through a forest than to sneak up on a human. We even tried wrestling alligators and hunting sharks. Charlotte was creative when it came to our game and sometimes when I visited she had a list ready with animals she wanted to try.

A deep sigh escaped my mouth when I made it to the river. It was mid January and the edges were frozen but the water flowed lazily around the little ice-sheet. With a thud I landed on the other side of the river and decided to walk the rest of the way at human pace. If it was the last time I'd see that place I might as well take in everything around me. I loved the woods out here even though the wasn't that much variety in game. It was isolated but still just a little run from the towns center. It's a shame we had to leave so early but now I didn't want to stay here to long. Without the others and without Bella it was just a big white house with a little to many rooms that held bad memories.

I wandered around the house to the garage. There was a key hidden for emergencies but the garage itself was secured with a padlock. I would have to buy a new one before I left. Closing my hand around the tiny metal thing I squeezed. Opening the doors I let my eyes wander around. My Ducati sat there as beautiful as ever. One of the few things Edward gave to me I actually liked. No.. I absolutely loved her! When driven by the right person she could keep pace with a vampire. She was one of the things I needed to take with me.

A pang of guilt hit me when I entered the house. Esme would be heartbroken if I didn't return. I considered going back to say goodbye briefly but I didn't want to see Alice or Edward again. The further I got away from them the better I felt and somehowI felt like they were the ones to blame for the families misery. Maybe I could call and meet with Carlisle and Esme. Maybe Rosalie and Emmett could come as well. I loved them like they were my siblings but right now I needed some distance. It was something everyone of us did now and then. Rosalie and Emmett used to get away every five years and live on their own for a few years before joining the family again.

Entering the living room I noticed the changes right away. I wasn't surprised that somebody broke in. I wasn't even surprised by the fact that that someone had stayed at least one night in our house. It was a beautiful home and far enough outside so nobody noticed a break-in. What surprised me was that that someone had brought stuff along with them. Little blankets, candles, a torch and a bunch of books. But the thing that surprised me most was that I knew that someone and that she chose my study to built her little fortress.

Freesia and strawberry with a hint of Vanilla.

Bella must have been here very recently. Her scent lingered in every corner of my study and I couldn't keep the smile away that pulled at the edges of my mouth. She had built up quite a cozy little hideaway with my leather chair in the middle of it. Walking around the room I noticed a few things missing. The crocheted cover that had been hanging over the armrest wasn't there anymore as well as some of my books.

Scanning my bookshelf it struck me like lightning. My journals weren't complete anymore. At vampire speed I made my way over. Ripping furiously at the surrounding books. It wasn't there anymore. Swooping around the books I must have looked panic stricken. It had to be somewhere. I knew that I stacked it away neatly next to the other ones. Since I left Maria's army I wrote diaries. It helped me a lot through the first years and by the time Alice and I joined the Cullen's it became a habit. I wrote for the last 67 years and every journal held secrets I wouldn't want to share with anyone. Not even Alice was allowed to read them. I couldn't, no I wouldn't believe that Bella had taken one of them. It was the most recent one. I wasn't able to finish 2005 because we left right after I came back from my hunt. I had barely time to grab my mobile and wallet. Now it was gone and my last entry had been the day of Bella's birthday just before everything went down.

I had to get it back. These journals along with the few things I could rescue of my human life and the Ducati were the only things that I wanted to take with me and I would be damned if I couldn't find the last journal. Maybe I should just wait for Bella to come back. Judging by the things she brought with her she was visiting frequently. But how would she react when she saw me? Surely that reunion wouldn't turn out so pleasantly. I've seen the terror in her eyes and I felt her pain. Her emotions have always been so beautiful. Pure and felt from the bottom of her heart. She is the most compassionate human I ever met. On any other day I longed to be by her side just to feel the rainbow of emotions she felt but that day I cursed my gift more than ever. Perfect vampire memory had that scene burned into my brain permanently.

Tearing out a big duffle bag I decided to pack everything I wanted to take with me save for the 2005 journal. I shoved a few of my favourite clothings along with my cowboy boots into a second bag and zipped everything up.

Carrying the bags downstairs I noticed another presence. I dropped the bags immediately and spun around ready to attack whoever crept up on me. Surely it wasn't clumsy little Bella. No it had to be a vampire. A feral growl rumbled in my chest.

"Show yourself!" I barked at the shadows.

"Hey man, don't pounce. It's just me..."

Frowning a boyish figure stepped out of the dark corner.

.

.

.

"Your brother.. Edward."

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**Author's Note: **Soooo.. that's chapter 3! What do you think?

Dear

Guest-Reviewer: please don't be disappointed that Bella didn't wake up to Jasper. You have to wait just a little longer for the "reunion".

NatalieLynn: I'm happy to have such observant readers! Stay tuned!

Arabella Whitlock: You had so many nice ideas and I was practically shocked because they were so similar to mine. Just wait and see.

Everybody else: I am always so thrilled when somebody favs, follows or reviews! It really keeps me going.

I'm open to constructive criticism just don't be mean and keep in ind that I'm not a native speaker. My punctuation is horrible but in German you just put commas everywhere;)


	5. Chapter 4: Refugee

**Author's Note:** Twilight and all its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. Please keep in mind that this is my first fanfic and I'm not a native speaker. The song used is "Echo" by Jason Walker.

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**Chapter 4: Refuge**

listen  
I would take a whisper if  
that's all you have to give  
but it isn't  
you could come and save me  
try to chase it crazy right out of my head

I'm out on the edge and I'm screaming my name  
like a fool at the top of my lungs  
sometimes when I close my eyes I pretend I'm alright  
but it's never enough  
cause my echo, echo  
is the only voice coming back  
my shadow, shadow  
is the only friend that I have

**Chapter's Summary**: Bella found her personal refuge inside the house she thought she could never stay in again. Being on her own in that house brings her closer to the one person she thought responsible for her misery.

* * *

**A/N: THIS IS IMPORTANT!** This chapter contains light sexual content. If you are not comfortable reading it just skip the part that's written in _italics!_ However there will be a lot of M rated chapters in the future ;)

* * *

**Bella's POV**

I let the thick leather-bound book fall to my chest, letting it rise and fall with each breath I took. Staring up at my ceiling I tried to decide whether or not to read Jasper's journal. Whereas I didn't like the idea of anybody reading my diaries, I was still interested in his. It was dated 2005. The year I met the Cullens. The year of my birthday party. I was simply curious what Jasper's thoughts were... on me especially. To be honest I felt drawn to him. It was quite obvious to me now. We were similar in many ways and although he may be the who triggered my sorrow he wasn't the one that left me alone in the woods.

While I was still pondering this, my hand ghosted over the crocheted blanket I'd found in Jasper's study. It smelled faintly of him. With each day that passed the scent weakened but I found it still as comforting as the first day I pulled it around me in that old leather armchair. Inhaling deeply I already planned my next escape to my little hideout in his study.

I couldn't go too often, though or Charlie would get suspicious. I had the feeling that he already knew something was going on. When I first told him that I would stay the night at Angela Weber's he was giddy with excitement. He all but rushed me out of the house giving me one of his rare pecks on the cheek. I suppose "Zombie Bella" really wore him out.

It hurt to betray him like that but what else should I do? I couldn't just tell him the truth now, could I?

Letting out a huff of air I turned around, placing the journal on my bedside table and turned off the light. It was already past midnight and Charlie wasn't back yet. Maybe I could have stayed at the Cullen's after all. Sleep didn't come easy anymore in my small bedroom with Charlie snoring next door. Snuggling deeper into my pillow I pulled the crocheted blanket up around me letting the scent soothe me. It was like a drug, dulling the searing ache inside my heart. When I smelled that deliciousness that was Jasper's scent, everything seemed to stop spinning and my wormhole closed up for a moment. Just like his ability to calm me down only this time around I was actually quite thankful for the little break.

Every night I would fall asleep with Jasper on my mind. He invaded my dreams like a constant companion. Sometimes he just stood in the background smiling while I picked flowers in a beautiful meadow and sometimes he took an active part in my dreams like when we ran through a forest or attended a festival together. He was the only one of the Cullen's that made an appearance in my dreams and I was deeply thankful for that.

Although all of my dreams were pleasant, that night I woke up with a start. Panting I switched on the lights. I couldn't remember what I dreamed nor if it was something bad. I was sweating profusely and my heart was beating out a samba inside of my chest. Clutching the blanket to my chest I looked around the room. A little bit of light made it through the blinds and I could hear Charlie snoring next door. It couldn't be that bad when Charlie didn't wake up.

The last few months I've had nightmares almost every night. Not the ones where you'd just turn around and fall asleep again but the ones you woke up screaming and trashing. Ever since I went to the Cullen's house three weeks ago my dreams turned into nice pleasant ones. I even dreamed of chasing a bunch of butterflies through a field of sunflowers the other day. Usually my dreams consisted of what was on my mind. When I was with Edward I dreamed of him, whether enjoyable or not. But lately I felt like a child again. Like I didn't just experience the heartbreak of my life.

Pushing back the covers I swung my legs over the edge of the bed, grunting when I saw that it was only 3:30. Why was it so bright outside when the sun shouldn't be up for at least another four hours? Looking out of the window I saw that the backyard was covered with a ridiculous amount of snow and the full-moon was out, casting it's light over the neighboring trees.

"How the f*** am I to drive to school through THAT." I groaned to myself. I decided to crawl back into my warm bed and wait for Charlie to wake up. Maybe I skipped school altogether. Sinking into the cushions I moaned as the warmth once again enveloped me. Yeah skipping school seemed like a splendid idea right now. Really I doubt anybody would go today. Yep. The decision was made. I was staying in bed until Charlie made me leave it.

Rolling onto my belly I stretched and moaned again. Although I didn't remember my dream I still felt a light buzz in my belly that spread out into my chest and legs.

_Letting out a content hum, I let my hands travel south. I hadn't touched myself like that in what felt like ages. Edward may have been concerned about my needs and wants but he refused to go any further than some light french kissing. Always afraid he might snap and bite my head __off__ during a heated make-out session. I had to take matters into my own hands, literally._

_Turning around again I lay flat on my back, eyes closed tightly, hands splayed out on my belly. Rubbing small circles around my bellybutton I envisioned a pair of foreign hands. Long slim fingers exploring my body, worshiping every last inch of my skin before dipping down into my pants. One hand __went up to my ribcage, keeping a firm grip on it with splayed out fingers that fit perfectly in the valley between the ribs. The thumb pressed lightly against the bottom of my breast before __trac__ing__ the outline and eventually __the hand__ grabbed it gently. _

_Gasping I squeezed lightly before running a finger over my nipple. The other hand traveled further south, lifting the elastic of my short sweatpants and the panties underneath. My pubes were already damp and when I parted my lower lips I could feel the warm wetness between my fingers. A low moan escaped my lips and I turned my head to the side to cover my face with a pillow and smother the sounds when his amazing scent hit me._

_Suddenly the foreign pair of hands belonged to a certain honey blond vampire with a sexy accent. I was startled with my own thoughts but let the journey continue. As the scent engulfed me I found my fantasy becoming clearer and clearer in my head. Jasper leaned over me. Covering my face with feathery kisses whispering naughty things into my ear. My hips buckled into his hand, urging him forward as he explored my sex. Parting my swollen lips he encircled the little bundle of nerves. I groaned into the blanket, my breath coming fast. I was close. I visualized Jasper's face, leaning in, whispering "Isabella, Darling..come for me." __in his sexy southern drawl._

_And with that I fell over the edge._

_Shuddering I came down from my high. That must have been one of the best orgasms in my life._

Folding my hands over my still heaving breast I calmed down a bit.

"Why did I think of Jasper like that?" I mused.

Sure I was so much closer to him these past few weeks than the time he's been actually around me but I couldn't understand while I would envision him while I touched myself. He was pretty darn hot. No need denying that. But I hadn't seen him in that way.. at least not until a few minutes ago. Now I very much saw him in that way. Doing incredible things to my body.

Shaking those imagines out of my head I cuddled up again. Maybe sleep brought the answers I needed. But that night I shouldn't find sleep again. Instead I sat in my bed brooding. Maybe the Cullen's would come back eventually. It didn't seem very likely, tho. Edward told me that they needed to move because everyone was getting suspicious about Carlisle's age. Thinking about never seeing them again made my heart clench. That night I wept silently into my pillow.

Throwing Jasper's belongings into my backpack I decided to bring them back and never enter the Cullen's house again. But my decision wavered and until sunrise I unpacked and packed Jasper's belongings several times until I chose not to decide just yet.

The emotions that stirred inside of me felt wrong on so many levels. After I found Jasper's study I built my own little refuge inside that room. I found it oddly comfortable and soothing. I brought candles over and spare blankets. I built up a little pillow fort around the armchair and spent my nights there reading with a little headtorch. During these nights I learned a lot about Jasper just from reading the books he'd read. It hadn't been until three days ago that I found his journals. I never thought him to be the kind of guy who wrote diaries. On the other hand I didn't know much about him. I was so curious that I took the latest one with me but I couldn't bring myself to actually read it. I took it with me to school the other day with the intention of reading it in my free time but it just felt so wrong so I put it on my nightstand where I occasionally picked it up.

In Jasper's study I didn't feel alone anymore. I felt a bit more complete so to speak. Without noticing it I fell in love with the idea of falling in love with him. As much as my broken heart could have loved anyway.

"Bells, are you awake?"

I grimaced at the sound of my father's voice. Jumping out of my bed I made my way over to the door and opened it.

"Ah good. I thought you might be sleeping. Anyways I gotta head out. Snow's having us in a tight grip and I can't leave the station vacant." Grunting he stared over my shoulder out of the window. "Seems like I've gotta walk, tho. You better stay in. School's out for as long as it takes to clear the roads."

" 'kay dad. Be safe."

"Always am." He smiled at me, making his way downstairs and out of the door.

So a whole day alone at home. Dandy.

Skipping breakfast I threw on a sweater and a pair of faded out jeans and made my way downstairs fully intending on turning down Charlie's advice. But when I opened the door my eyes met a pair of golden once.

"Alice?" I gasped.

What the...

To say I was shocked was an understatement.

"How? Why? When?" I began but Alice simply held up a hand and smiled at me.

Moving out of the door frame I let her in. She didn't utter a single word until she was seated on Charlie's recliner.

"Bella, please close the door and sit. I don't want you to freeze to death there."

Nodding I closed the door and made my way over. I couldn't believe my eyes. Just an hour ago I thought I would never see them again and now Alice Cullen sat in my living room, acting like nothing happened.

Something inside of me snapped because the next thing I know is that my hand flew out and I smacked my pixie friend across the cheek. Ouch. I forgot how hard these vampires were. Angry tears were streaming down my face as I clutched my hand to my chest.

"You abandoned me!" I screamed at her in anguish. "You just left without a word!"

The tears made my vision blurry and I sank to my knees. I didn't want to break down in front of Alice. I considered her my best friend before she left me without so much as a goodbye. Crossing my arms around my torso I tried to hold myself together. I could hear Alice sigh from the recliner and suddenly she was right besides me, snaking one arm around me.

"Bella, listen. We hadn't had much choice in the matter. I had to calm Jasper down and when we came back Edward had already left you. I didn't think it would affect you quite so much."

A humorless laugh escaped my mouth.

"You are a fucking psychic Alice! Didn't you see how much I suffered?" I sobbed into her shoulder. No matter how angry and betrayed I felt right now, I still loved my best friend and if she offered comfort I would gladly take it.

"That might be true but first of all: Edward didn't want me to look and second.."

I tried to push her away from me, glaring at her in disgust.

"Edward forbade it so you just complied? Am I nothing to you? He left me alone in the woods! He didn't care enough to see me safely back home! FUCKING SAM SAVED ME. And I hate that guy.."

Alice sighed again hugging me closer to her, rubbing small circles on my back.

"Like I said. That's only the first reason. But whenever I tried to look. Strictly against Edwards wishes of course." She gave me a pointed look and I snorted. "I saw nothing but you sitting in your chair, staring out of your window. It was like you didn't decide anything anymore."

Nodding I smiled up at her.

"Well, you saw Zombie-Bella in all her glory."

"Mh... however that changed about a month ago. I had visions of you. In our old house. In Jasper's study especially."

Shrugging out of her embrace I watched her carefully. I couldn't read the expression on her face.

"Alice.. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to break in or anything. Of course I will return what I've taken. I already made that decision!"

Her nose wrinkled at that and I felt my face flush with embarrassment. Before I could even wonder what she had seen exactly she stood up and pulled me with her. Standing before me she looked into my eyes.

"Bella, what I'll say next might seem harsh to you. Nevertheless I want you to listen to what I've gotta say."

I braced myself, holding my head up high and waited for the blow to come. When Alice herself stated that her next words would sound harsh I was positively sure that they would hurt.

"I want you to stay away from our house."

There it was. And I couldn't even blame her. If she really saw the decisions I've made the last few hours she knew what kind of thoughts I had regarding her husband. Her husband. I shuddered.

"Bella, do you understand?" She watched my reaction with a pitying look on her face. "I don't want you anywhere near there, is that clear?"

I nodded, staring at my feet and suddenly the floor seemed so very interesting.

"Are you coming back? All of you?" I whispered to the floor.

"No."

My head snapped back up. Staring at her intently I pondered her answer for a few seconds before I cocked an eyebrow at her.

"Then why are you here Alice? Why should I stay away?"

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**Author's Note:** Chapter four yehaaa! What do you think? It turned out a little longer but without the M rated scene it's just as long as the previous one ;)

Like always I want to thank the ones who faved, followed and left a review. I appreciate it really much! This time around I put commas everywhere. Please tell me if you'd rather read my story without commas or with a few misplaced ones. Because seriously this is something I'd need a Beta for.


	6. Chapter 5: Liar

**Author's Note:** Twilight and all its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. Also please keep in mind that this is my first fanfic and I'm not a native speaker. The song used in the beginning is "Hurt" by Johnny Cash.

* * *

**Chapter 5: Liar**

If I could start again  
A million miles away  
I would keep myself  
I would find a way

Chapter's Summary: _Jasper __talks to__ Edward who tells him to leave Forks immediately. Suspiciously enough but when he gets personal Jasper loses it. __Running to Bella's, __Jasper confronts Alice._

* * *

**Jasper's POV**

Before me stood my "brother" as he himself had called it. His boyish figure appeared out of the shadows, casually approaching me. I had bared my teeth the instance I noticed his presence. Still crouching I looked up at him and snarled. He should know better than to creep up on me. Years with new-born vampires made me cautious and once in a defensive pose I had to scan the whole area before feeling safe again.

"Jasper really there's no need to snarl at me like that," Edward chuckled, "Relax already. I just want to talk to you."

Letting my eyes wander around the room I reassured myself that there was no immediate threat.

"What do you wa...? How did you kn...?" I hadn't used my voice in almost three months and although technically that shouldn't matter for a vampire, my voice was hardly above a whisper. Clearing my throat I tried again.

"Edward. Why are you here?" I fixed my gaze on him, taking in how carefree he leaned against his piano. I couldn't place his expression, but his emotions were all over the place. He was bemused but deep down I felt a lot of anger, betrayal and hurt. That made no sense to me, especially because I felt those emotions directed at me. I hadn't betrayed anyone and although I knew my departure had hurt my family, I didn't think Edward would be affected at all. I knew he was in my head again because as soon as I thought about his emotions I couldn't feel a damn thing from him. That asshole was pretty good at masking his feelings. I wished I was just as good at hiding my thoughts.

"Get out of my head!"I breathed.

Again he chuckled.

"As soon as you stop monitoring my emotions," his tone was dead serious now, "You know it's just as easy for me to stop listening to other people's thoughts as it is for you to stop feeling other people's emotions."

In other words: it wasn't easy at all. Whereas I could tune them down a little I could never fully turn them off. It was like not focusing on a tv-show. You still see snippets and hear scraps of a conversation.

"You still didn't answer my question. What do you want here?"

He let his hands travel over to the piano keys, playing them ever so slightly before he took another step towards me.

"Well, it's just as much my home as yours," he snickered "In fact it's more mine than yours. I lived here before you even joined us. But I guess.." he trailed off with a sigh.

When he didn't continue a low growl built up in my chest. If he didn't tell me why he'd followed me and if he didn't do it fast I might explode.

"Jasper really. There is no reason. Alice saw your decision to come back here and I thought I'd come by." he gave me a pointed look. "You know it's been three months. Esme is devastated."

I contemplated his answer. Did Esme really feel as much despair as he made it seem? How would she feel if I told her that I wanted to leave the family? At least for a few years.

"If Alice saw me coming here.. why isn't she standing in front of me right now? Or Esme for that matter."

Closing the distance between us, Edward stared up at me. His eyes were coal-black and there was a dangerous glint to them. I had seen that expression at least a thousand times. He was about to make his move. A move I thought wouldn't involve a brotherly hug.

"Jasper, you misunderstood. I'm not here to make you come back. Frankly, I encourage your decision to stay away from us."

"Then why are you here?" I felt a shit-ton of anger from him. It was so strong that even Edward couldn't rein that shit in.

"Because I don't want you anywhere near Forks."

His voice was barely above a whisper but his words cut right through me.

"It's not like I want to be here. I'll just grab my stuff and go."

Taking a step towards my bags I shook my head in disbelief as a thought suddenly popped into my head.

"Wait.. why do you want me to go so badly? You're not coming back to live here. It's not for the family. I could stay here as long as I wished... unless... it's because of Bella."

I cocked my head at him, remembering Bella's scent in my study. Her little hideout. The spare clothes she'd left folded neatly on my leather chair.

With a roar as loud as thunder Edward flung himself at me. He might be quick but I was stronger. I hadn't served in Maria's army for naught. My reflexes were fast and I skilled. I knocked him to the ground easily. Holding him by the throat I hurled him into his precious piano which crashed under him. Standing above him I sent him as much terror and weakness as I could muster.

"Don't you pounce at me like that." I snarled, towering over him and letting him feel powerless.

"You are nothing but a child to me," I spat. "You come to me with all your rage and fury, you attack me for simply being here where Bella was. I didn't bring her here! She came on her own. Chose my study. Took my things. You are the one that left her alone and vulnerable. What if those nomads came back, seeking revenge? You left her here Edward! AND NOW YOU ATTACK ME?!", I yelled the last bit at the top of my lungs.

Through the emotions I pushed onto him came a fresh wave of anger and hatred. I pulled my emotions back so he could face me with his own strength again. As soon as I had no hold on him anymore he launched himself at me once more, flinging his arms around my torso, and snapped his teeth at me. I freed my arms and threw him back into the shreds that, just minutes before, had been his piano.

"I told you not to pounce at me like that."

He snarled angrily, venom dripping from his mouth down his chin and onto his shirt. He didn't look so pretty now.

"You have no right to be near her," he began "I wanted to protect her. From you and your bloodl.." I had him pinned against the wall before he could finish that sentence.

"My bloodlust?" I roared, my face only mere millimeters from his face, "Hadn't it been for your bloodlust I wouldn't have attacked at all. For gods sake Edward! She is your singer! I felt your need to drain her just as much as you did."

I let him drop to the floor, looking down at my brother remorsefully. I wanted out of that. I thought I could just run from it. But here I stood again. Her scent still present in the air around me. I once loved that scent, now it suffocated me. My guilt was nearly drowning me again. I never intended to hurt anyone.

"I will leave. Not because you want me to." I breathed out a sigh "I want out.".

Standing up he brushed the dust and wood from his trousers and moved to stand before me once more.

"What about your journal?"

Fuck. I hadn't thought about my journal. I wanted it back. Badly. Not only because it was precious to me but also because of the content. I couldn't let Bella or possibly Edward see what I've written.

"Yeah, Alice thought so as well." he muttered under his breath "You're not going to give up on that stupid diary. I'll give her a call. She'll get it for you."

Just as he flipped open his mobile everything clicked.

"Wait, wait, what?! Alice came with you? She's at Bella's right now?"

Before I finished the sentence Edward had dropped the phone and advanced on me. He must have read my mind again but this time I was prepared for his launch, and before he could even touch me I had him on the ground, wincing in pain.

"You're not going to keep me from going over right now. I don't know what you two have been doing lately but before I left you were having these silent conversations." Edward wheezed, I was nearly crushing his windpipe under my foot. "You planned something and it involves me. I'm not going to stand by and let everything happen around me. You two kept me down and submissive long enough. It's time I break free from those chains you put me in. I'm going over and I'm going to talk to Alice."

Looking down at my little brother I put a little more pressure on his throat.

"And Edward. Don't you think you can outrun me now. I'll be there before you even find the strength to move again."

With that I flashed out of the house and ran straight to Bella's. I knew Edward would recover fast and he'll be at my heels in a few seconds. I just liked to intimidate him some more before I left.

I arrived at the little cozy home, spotting Alice Porsche just around the corner. So she's really here. I slowed down to a human pace and knocked at the door. I could hear Alice swear and tell Bella to go out of the backdoor. Stubborn little Bella didn't comply though and opened the door anyways. Before me stood the human girl that caused all that trouble. Not that I minded. The moment our eyes met a smile pulled at the edges of my mouth. I could hear her heartbeat quicken as she took in my form. In that moment I realized that I had missed her more than I liked to admit. Her sole presence soothed the pain inside my chest. Before I could say a word Alice pushed her back into the house, blocking me from entering.

I could feel Bella's distress when Alice told her to stay away from me.

"He's dangerous right now Bella. Please stay out of this."

Those simply words spiked my fury even more. How could she? I may be dangerous but never would I attack Bella.

Suddenly I felt a rush of air and heard Bella's shriek followed by the sound of another door opening. Edward must have taken Bella out of the backdoor. When I entered the kitchen Alice stood alone there, the backdoor ajar, swinging slightly. Alice looked at a spot just beneath my face, avoiding my eyes as she spoke up.

"Hi Jazz..."

Before me stood my wife. The woman I once loved. My companion and mate. Or so I thought. I could still feel her love towards me. It was faint but still there. I had a feeling it would always be there, but that wasn't enough. Not for me and not for her.

"You know Alice.. I'm not angry anymore. We were great. But now it's time we moved on. I'm sorry I ran away."

She just nodded. Hanging her head she whispered something too low for me to hear.

"Alice. I'm sorry. Really."

I could hear her dry sobs. I didn't want to hurt her like that but I couldn't comfort her right now. I was hurting as well and if I held her now I might change my mind and stay with her.

I was hit with a hot wave of rage all of a sudden. Not only mild anger but full grown fury. Despair, hurt, grief, loathing. It was the beautiful rainbow of feelings only Bella could feel. The intensity of her feelings forced me to my knees. I was seeing white spots and my whole body seemed to ache. I had to get to her.

"Jasper!" Alice was besides me as soon as she realized that I no longer stood.

I fought for control but I couldn't block out Bella's emotions. I had to get her. Edward that bastard.. I couldn't form a coherent thought. I just jumped up and out of the door. Following Bella's scent until I found them. With each step the pain in my chest lessened. But it wouldn't go away until I had her save inside my arms.

Of that I was sure.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Chapter 5! I'm sorry it took me longer to upload this time. I don't know how fast I can upload in the future but I try to have a new chapter ready every week. As always read, fav, follow, review. It's always a pleasure to wake up to new PMs as well. I'd like to thank:

NatalieLynn

soft and innocent

and Arabella Whitlock

for their constant support and awesome reviews and PMs. You all have a fabulous week!

Next: Bella and Edward have a nice little chat in the woods ;)


	7. Chapter 6: Hypocrite

**Author's Note:** Twilight and all its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. Also please keep in mind that this is my first fanfic and I'm not a native speaker. The song used in the beginning is "Snuff" by Slipknot. I found it quite fitting for this Chapter. I think this passage describes Bella's feelings for Edward like..spot on. (is that even the right phrase?)

* * *

**Chapter ****6: ****Hypocrite**

So break yourself against my stones  
And spit your pity in my soul  
You never needed any help  
You sold me out to save yourself  
And I won't listen to your shame  
You ran away - you're all the same  
Angels lie to keep control...  
My love was punished long ago  
If you still care, don't ever let me know

**Chapter's Summary:**_ Finally, Bella and Edward meet again. She finds her love for him gone. Angry at the decisions he made for her she refuses to mend the broken relationship._

* * *

**Bella's POV**

My heart was beating out of my chest as the woods flew by. I clung to him out of sheer panic. The wind whipped harshly against my face and the cold winter air stung in my eyes, so I turned my head, covering my face inside his jacket. Just a moment ago I stood inside my living room arguing with Alice.

She had told me not to go back to their old house, to stay away from the woods. I had questioned her. But she seemed so sad, so broken. Just like me. The same pain and loneliness that were carved into my soul were apparent on her face. I couldn't stand to see her like that. I was the one they abandoned. She had no right to look so pitiful... Still I felt for her. My best friend. My pixie-like vampire friend. I've never seen her so devastated, so lonely. Her serious demeanor was a stark contrast to the Alice I knew. Bubbly Alice, full of energy, buzzing with excitement and bouncing with every step. The Alice that asked me to quit visiting her husbands study wasn't the same girl that planned my birthday-party only four month ago. Something changed her and I was afraid to find out about it.

Just when she begged me to give her what I'd taken from Jasper, her body stiffened and her eyes glazed over. She had a vision.

"Oh no... that's not going to end well.." she breathed as she came to again. "Bella, we've gotta go."

I looked at her, long and hard. My mind screamed at me to tell her no. Whatever was coming now can't be avoided anymore. My mouth opened, forming the word already when somebody knocked on the front door. Just as I turned my head towards the sound, Alice whipped around, swearing under her breath.

"No, no, no... this can't be happening." she mumbled, pacing the kitchen and rubbing her temples furiously before her head snapped back up. "Bella go outside. Use the backdoor. Please. Everything will be alright, just leave right now." her eyes focused and unfocused rapidly. She was scanning for possible futures.

"Bella, please go, don't open the door.." she breathed weakly. Huffing I made my way over to the door. She wasn't going to tell me what to do in my own house. Nobody that meant any harm would be knocking at my door, waiting patiently until I opened it. No.. the evil came barging though your backdoor, taking what they'd come for.

Turning the knob and swinging the front door open I was met with the most beautiful smile in all existence. Our eyes met and I could feel my heart beating frantically inside my chest. Jasper stood inside of my doorway, smiling lovingly at me and I found myself unable to say anything. Instead I let my eyes roam. He looked good, wearing a pair of worn jeans and a simple, long sleeved Henley. This outfit suited him and I wondered why I'd never seen him wear something like this before. He used to wear a lot of high-necked button-ups and black pants. I liked the jeans but they didn't seem to be "Alice-approved". Before I could do or say anything, Alice ushered me back into the house. Telling me to stay away from Jasper. He'd be dangerous. I should just stay put and wait. And wait I id. Until I was violently swept outside of my own house.

Edward carried me through the woods. His pace was fast and hard, it made me dizzy but I refused to let it show. I was beyond angry. I was furious. When he finally put me down again I stood before him, staring at him silently. The anger that boiled just underneath the surface threatened to overtake me. Bile rose inside of my throat and I had to swallow it down. I felt like drowning and soaring all at once. I felt like the tiniest shift around me could cause me to explode. Everything seemed to be balanced on the tip of a needle. If only one thing changed on either side of the scale everything would fall and crumble apart.

I was shaking, clenching my fist, pressing them to my sides. I was willing myself to stay calm but I could barely suppress the urge to slap him across his face. His stupid little perfect face. My hand was still throbbing from hitting Alice earlier. I wouldn't risk breaking my hand on his marble cheek.

He was waiting for me to do something... anything. His topaz eyes never left mine, but apart from that he didn't move. Freaking vampires. Standing still like a fucking stature. I was waiting as well. But for an entirely different reason. Just a day ago I would have fallen to pieces at the sheer thought of Edward but now, as he stood before me, I couldn't feel the hole inside my chest anymore. I silently pondered over that for a second. Did meeting Edward close my wormhole? Did his mere presence sooth the pain inside my chest? No.

There was so much more going on inside of me right now. I was angry and bitter, I was hurting and grieving for what we've had but I wasn't falling apart.

Sighing I looked around, taking in the woods around me. This wasn't going to be easy. I wondered if that's what Alice meant. I felt so angry and so betrayed right now. I feared that when I opened my mouth I wouldn't be able to stop.

"What do you want here?" I croaked finally. "I mean.. all of you."

Settling my gaze upon him once more I searched his eyes for answers. He wasn't breathing and his eyes got darker with every passing minute. A sudden surge of fear rippled through me and I took a step back.

"Are you thirsty?" I failed to keep the quaver out of my voice.

"Bella," Edward breathed, moving for the first time since he set me down, "I'm not going to hurt you. It's just.. it's been so long... I.."

"It's my scent, I understand," I interrupted before he could explain further. "So are you going to answer my questions?" I asked through gritted teeth. I was barely containing my anger. His voice had set my insides on fire and my inner demon struggled to come to the surface. Edward had wronged me and my inner monster sought revenge. When he shattered me so completely there was only one way for me to function. I switched to autopilot, let my instincts guide me and watched while slowly putting the pieces back together. But every part I picked up from the ground was tainted. Like soil that stuck to a lollipop my pieces were stained and slowly my soul darkened. I was out for revenge because that's the only thing that I truly desired right now. The hope to be okay once again the fuel that brought me closer to my goal.

"Alice had visions of you. She was looking for you even though I told her not to."

I felt a few strings inside me snap and forced myself to stay calm. With a curt nod I signaled for him to continue.

"I saw what you've been up to. I didn't want to interfere but Jasper was on his way here so.."

"So you thought you just pop back into my life, grab me by the waist and sprint into the forest with me? ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS?!"

He cringed at my words and I noted the pain on his face with pure satisfaction. He'd chastised me often enough for my foul language but I didn't care anymore.

"The last time we went into the woods you promised me something! You told me you'd never come back." I hissed.

"And I asked you not to do anything reckless in return.", I could hear the disapproval in his voice. He used to talk to me like that whenever I did something he considered wrong, unladylike or just plain inappropriate. A few months ago I would have quivered before him, apologizing for anything he deemed me guilty of. But he held no power over me anymore. I realized to late that our relationship was unhealthy. Renee was the one that told me to be more myself around guys and one night, after I woke up screaming again, Charlie sat with me. He had held me that night and before he left he told me that real love ought to be balanced. He told me that Edward shouldn't have so much power over me.

"And I didn't." I retorted.

"What do you call breaking into our house? Spending time in Jasper's study. Setting yourself out there for any vampire that wanders around!"

He was getting angry and I knew how much he hated himself in that position. He knew he couldn't lose his shit with me and I loved to see him struggle with his self control.

"What do you care? You left me full well knowing that Victoria was out there! I could have died at her hands with you who-knows where" I spat. It wasn't a lie. At least not completely. There was a point some weeks ago at which I could have fallen victim to that red headed bitch but just a few weeks ago Billy handed me a letter from Jacob. I was startled at first. We hadn't been in contact since I broke down in front of him after he blamed Edward and the Cullens for everything that happened with him and his friends. I never figured out how he did it but he told me in this letter that I was save. _"We've taken care of the red-headed leech and her friend. You're save. We'll be watching you." _It had been the same words Billy used through a letter at my prom last year. I still didn't know who "we" included exactly but I was sure that Sam was involved.

"I would never let her get to you," Edward coaxed. He held his hands up as he took a few steps towards me. "Please Bella, believe me. I let Alice watch her but she disappeared.."

His eyes were pleading with me. Begging me to understand. I took a moment to just look at him, to take in his form and see if there was anything left of "us". But there was nothing. My heart didn't ache for him anymore and his beautiful features didn't appeal to me like before. He was still handsome. In his boyish way. He was lean and simply attractive with his brooding manner and the honest intentions. I simply didn't long for this anymore. The pain made me rough and his noble ways would suffocate me, limit me. I longed for something darker, something mature and wild. The word cowboy came to my mind but I pushed it down.

"You know.. You were right when you said I didn't belong into your world. I don't. Your world is so narrow. You are so.. close-minded. I don't belong into your world and I don't belong with you." I noted.

Somehow my anger had vanished along the way. I was feeling rather calm now, relaxed and save. I could feel the threat that Edward posed. His eyes were black and flat, he had dark circles under his eyes and his skin was even paler than usual. He was slowly losing it but I wasn't afraid anymore. I knew that no harm would come to me and that made me careless.

I let him get too close. His teeth glistered in the dim light that broke through the canopy of leaves as he took a step towards me.

"Bella, what..? You are my mate.. we belong together. Forever. I won't let anybody get between us anymore."

He reached out, grabbed me by my forearm and pressed me against his chest. His touch hurt. His grip was too tight and he left no room for me to breath. I yelped when he crushed me further against his stone hard chest, purring into my hair.

"You're mine Bella. You'll be forever. Isn't that what you asked for."

He lowered his head to my neck, breathing in. Letting his tongue dart out against my overheated flesh he moaned.

"Oh Bella, you taste so good."

With a growl he lowered his mouth until his lips pressed urgently against the side of my neck. I was paralyzed. I couldn't think, couldn't breath. Was this the end?

Suddenly a loud roar disrupted the air around my and Edward shoved me off of him. I stumbled backwards, bracing myself for the pain, but it never came. Instead I found myself leaning against Jasper's solid chest. His arms wrapped securely around my torso.

"You alright, darlin'?" he drawled. His eyes darting between me and Edward as he stood, pulling me with him. I spotted Alice right next to him. She looked utterly lost.

"Take her away." Jasper ordered in a calm voice. When Alice didn't react right away I felt a growl rumble in his chest. "Now."

As soon as he said it, Alice swept me off my feet and started running through the woods.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

Another cliff-hanger.. sorry. ;)

Uff.. so that was a hard one. It sat half finished on my desktop since monday evening while I waited for my tongue to untie. It's harder than expected to write an entire fanfic in English.

For those of you who wondered: Bella doesn't know about the wolves. Jacob wasn't allowed to tell and they weren't so close anymore so he didn't see the need to give her clues as to what he is. Also in my story Jacob phased a few months earlier and Laurent and Victoria came back to Forks searching for Bella and unfortunately (for them) ran into the pack. So no drama involving her. There's already enough drama without her ;)


	8. Chapter 7: Wait, what?

**A/N:** Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. My first fanfic, not a native speaker. Song used in the beginning is "In My Veins" by Andrew Belle.'nuff said ;)

* * *

**Chapter 7: Wait...what?!**

Everything will change.  
Nothin' stays the same.  
And nobody here's perfect.  
Oh but everyone's to blame  
All that you rely on  
And all that you can save  
Will leave you in the morning  
And find you in the day

_Chapter's Summary: Alice followed Jasper. She saw the outcome of the fight but Edward still wants to change it. In his fury he let's something slip._

* * *

**Jasper's POV**

I hated myself for letting her go with Alice. It was a decision I regretted as soon as it formed in my head. I knew that Alice had been hot on my tail since I left Bella's, but when I felt Bella's fear spike I had to change my plans. Edward wouldn't get away for whatever he's doing to Bella. My first instinct was to get her to safety but now I couldn't leave Edward unharmed. That left me with only one choice. I had to trust Alice... which I did, to a certain point anyways.

Alice saw my decision as soon as I was sure of it and rushed to my side. We shot through the woods at maximum speed, tearing through trees and boulders on our way. I couldn't get there fast enough. Bella's paralyzing fear was nearly drowning me.

"Alice, what is he doing?!" I screamed in anguish, "I can feel her..it's too much..I can't think."

In a vague way, I was aware of her emotions, the hurt, depression, guilt, self-pity and above all the colossal amount of shame. All that mattered to me now was getting to Bella and maybe shredding Edward on the way. Cross that. I definitely wanted to inflict some pain there. Maybe one arm less would suit him. Yeah.. he probably doesn't need his arms anyway.

"It's going to be okay, I promise," she whispered weakly. "Please don't kill him."

Breaking through a particularity dense treeline, I could see them, feel them both now. I could feel that Edward was in a dark place. The only emotions from him were possessiveness and bloodlust. When I saw him grazing his teeth along the side of Bella's neck I couldn't hold back the roar that had already built up inside me. He hadn't heard our approach. Hadn't read our thoughts. His bloodlust consumed him, left him blind and deaf.

I rushed to Bella's side as soon as he pushed her away, clutching her gently to my chest. The relief came instantly. Her scent, the feeling of her soft skin under my cold touch.

"You alright, darlin'?"

I breathed her in, letting my lungs fill to the brim with her scent before eying Edward cautiously. He was shaking, his eyes black and flat. I had to get her out of here. Pulling her into a standing position I made sure that she was alright. Edward squeezed her pretty tight and I could already see bruises forming on her neck where capillaries had burst. She shivered in my arms, her lips were a pale bluish colour and I could see tiny ice crystals in her lashes where her tears had frozen. I had to get her somewhere warm.

Alice didn't react when I ordered her to take Bella away. She was scanning Edward with a mix of surprise and despair written across her face.

"Now." I growled out

I let Bella go and Alice sprang into action, lifting her off her feet and sprinting through the woods with Bella on her back.

Good. Now that I was alone with him I could let the Major take control. I didn't wait for Edward to explain anything, didn't wait for him to say or do something. I had seen enough, felt enough.

It was over before he made his first move. I had him pinned down on the ground, my knee pressed firmly into the column of his throat and his severed right arm in my hand. He squirmed and writhed under me, teeth bared, his wild gaze flickering between his arm in my hand and my face. Now wasn't the time for conversation. I wanted to inflict as much pain as possible before I had to leave. I was torn between ripping Edward apart and rushing off to find Bella. I had to hurry through this, but that didn't mean I couldn't enjoy it.

"You'll never have her!" he roared and I pressed down harder, effectively cutting him off mid-speech. His remaining arm pushed against my chest, grasping my arm in an attempt to loose my hold on him. Gripping him by his hair I flung his head back against the forest floor. A humorless laugh escaped his mouth.

"You really think she'd want you? Not even the mating pull can annihilate the fear you elicit."

With an earsplitting screech, Edward lost his other arm. His screams echoed around us, causing every remaining animal to retreat further into the forest. The woods were silent. No trace of any living creature. The only sounds were coming from Edward's throat. The snarls growing weaker with every second, turning into gurgling sounds and ultimately dying inside his throat. Venom was flowing out of the deep gashes where his arms had been only moments ago. He stared angrily up at me as I flung his arms into the trees. Pressing down a little more I heard his skin cracking, splintering from his neck and face.

"If you ever touch her again..," I growled, pressing down harder, "If you ever hurt her again," I breathed against his face, lowering my teeth to his shoulder "I will destroy you." and with the last syllable I bit down hard, pumping as much venom into him as possible.

His screams followed me as I sprinted through the forest. I hadn't used this method in ages. When I was in Maria's army it was a common punishment for disobedient vampires. It hurt like hell and carrying a scar in the area where neck and shoulder met was a sign for weakness. It meant that someone overpowered you. Between mates it meant something entirely else, though.

Mate.. the word ghosted around inside my head. His words replayed again and again. What did he mean with mating pull. Could it be..?!

I dashed forward faster and faster until I could hear the hushed conversation between Alice and Bella. I stopped dead in my tracks when I heard the word again. Mate. I sat frozen on a tree branch just inside the treeline behind Bella's house. Mate... I listened as Alice explained it to her and everything clicked together.

* * *

**Bella's POV**

Being carried by Alice was an odd sensation. She was way smaller than me. It made me uncomfortable. Alice let go of me as soon as we landed in my backyard. I still couldn't believe that the sad creature in front of me was the same Alice I knew only four months ago. She looked across the trees, narrowing her eyes.

"It's going to stop soon." she murmured.

"Stop? What?" I blurted.

Her eyes focused on me, blinking a few times before she opened her mouth again.

"The snow. Charlie won't be back until tomorrow morning, though," she sighed "Maybe later tonight, if he can get a ride. He'll call in a few hours."

Running a hand through my hair I shrugged. "Yeah, thanks."

Her gift always kind of irritated me. The way she saw the possible outcome of a situation based on people's choices. If I'd chose to punch her now she'd see it and would dodge it effortlessly. Well, she would anyways 'cause she's a freaking vampire. I let out a sigh of frustration. Only 24 hours ago I was fine. Not splendid, but okay. It's going to be a long way to happy but at least I tried to get there. Now I wasn't so sure anymore. I shivered. Out in the woods I hadn't realized how cold it was but now I felt like a popsicle.

"Let's get in, shall we? It's pretty cold."

I stomped into the kitchen, not waiting to see if Alice followed. Whoever went out last had forgotten to close the darn door and it was just as cold inside as outside in the snow.

"You can go up and take a shower if you want to," Alice closed the door behind her, rushing over to the heaters and turning them on full blast.

"I could fix you something, seeing that you skipped breakfast this morning." She smiled at me but it didn't touch her eyes.

"Alice.. why are you so.." I didn't finish the sentence. She looked me straight into the eyes and shook her head. She had a tight lipped smile on her face when she looked to the floor and back up again. Suddenly a frown appeared on her face. Knitting her eyebrows together she made her way over to me.

"You know Bella, whatever decision you'll make, I'm your friend. If you'll have me."

I stared at her, opening and closing my mouth like a fish. Why was she so cryptic all the time? Sometimes she drove me crazy, judging people based on decision they hadn't made yet. Throwing my arms around her I hugged her as fiercely as possible.

"Of course I want you as my best friend," I whispered into her hair. "Why wouldn't I?"

She gently loosened my tight grip and sighed again. For a moment it looked like she might pull away, but she gave me a little smile and kissed my cheek instead.

"You only see the best in people. I don't want you to get hurt."

She hesitated for a moment, as if she weren't sure how much she really wanted to tell me. Then she frowned again and whispered.

"I did something horrible."

If I hadn't been in her tight embrace I'm sure I would've heard her. Her small frame shook with dry sobs as she buried her face in my hair. I didn't know what to do so I simply rubbed her back, waiting for her to continue. We stood like that for a few moments before I dared to broach the subject again.

"What did you do? Is it about Jasper?"

At the mention of his name she only shook harder. I suddenly felt very bad for my little Jasper fantasies.

"You know.. I... I'm not... not in lo.." I groaned. How do you put "_I only like to imagine your husband while I touch myself, it's nothing really" _nicely? I wasn't even sure if that's the truth. Over the last month I felt a strange pull towards everything that belonged to him. Not to mention the strange effect his scent had on me.

I released her and rubbed my forehead. Contemplating what she told me earlier. Did she mean that I didn't have to feel bad about my thoughts regarding Jasper? Or the decision to become friends with him..? Only one way to find out.

"Alice.. are you going to stay? You and Jasper?" I bit my lip, suddenly feeling really insecure. In that moment my whole world could fall apart again. With one word she could either destroy me or throw me the lifeline I so desperately needed.

"That's his decision.. and yours." she looked hesitant again. "Edward won't stay, though."

Suddenly my thoughts were at the clearing in the woods again and I felt my heartbeat quicken.

"Jasper's alright." Alice muttered.

My hand flew to my chest and I let out the breath I had been holding. Disturbingly enough I didn't give one fudge if Edward was alright. For all I cared Jasper could wipe the floor with him. I felt bad for Jasper, though. He was fighting my battles for me while his wife carried me to safety.

Alice paced the room glancing at me now and then before abruptly stopping only to start pacing again. I was getting dizzy so I sat down on the floor next to the heater.

"What's happening right now? I mean with Jasper and Edward... When will he come back," I furrowed my brow, "Will he come back?"

Alice looked at me long and hard before she let out another sigh.

"I don't really know when, but he'll come back. He is... punishing Edward right now. Nothing that can't be fixed." she pursed her lips in disapproval. "He'll want to talk to you."

I absently nodded my head while I already thought about all the things I wanted to ask him. There was so much I wanted to know. So much to tell. I felt my cheeks heaten up with a sudden rush of blood when I thought about his journal and how I could possibly hide it. Maybe I could ask Alice if she'd take it back to the Cullen's before he'd notice.

"He already knows and I don't think you have to be ashamed. You didn't make the decision to read it after all."

I nodded again and relaxed against the heater. The warmth was slowly soothing the ache inside my muscles. I could already feel the bruises on my arms, shoulders and my neck. Edward surely lost control back in the woods. I watched as Alice continued her hurried pacing around the kitchen table. If she didn't stop soon she'd run a dent in the floor.

"I probably shouldn't tell you this now..but.." Alice sputtered. She stopped her pacing long enough to bend down to my level. Staring right into my eyes she asked.

"What do you know about mates?"

* * *

**Author's Note:**

eeek.. don't hate me for this cliffhanger. I know it's cruel and I'm sorry but I promise to hurry up with the next chapter!

So a lot of you wouldn't have trusted Alice with Bella. I see where you're coming from BUT: in my story Alice isn't necessarily evil. She just tried to keep Jasper from Bella so they wouldn't fall in love. Really nobody blames Leah for hating the whole "imprinting-thing". I hope Jasper's point came across.. if not: 1st Bella was freezing out in the cold, 2nd Edward was out of control and 3rd Jasper wasn't ready to show her the Major ;)

As always THANK YOU SO MUCH for faving, following and reviewing. If I didn't answer your reviews or PMs yet I will now! :D


	9. Chapter 8: Stay

**A/N:** I don't own Twilight :( Song used in the beginning „I Should Go" by Levi Keis. It fits perfectly and i had to show you, sorry for the rather long passage. Please check it out ;)

* * *

**Chapter 8: Stay**

Here we are **  
**Isn't it familiar  
Haven't had someone to talk to  
In such a long time  
And it's strange  
All we have in common  
And your company was just the thing I needed tonight  
Somehow I feel I should apologize  
Cuz I'm just a little shaken  
By what's going on inside

I should go  
Before my will gets any weaker  
And my eyes begin to linger  
Longer than they should  
I should go  
Before I lose my sense of reason  
And this hour holds more meaning  
Than it ever could  
I should go  
I should go  
Baby, I should go

It's so hard  
Keeping my composure  
And pretend I don't see how  
Your body curves beneath your clothes  
And your laugh  
Is pure and unaffected  
It frightens me to know so well the place I shouldn't go  
I know I gotta take the noble path  
Cuz I don't want you to question  
The intentions that I have

_All that he wants is Bella. Any way she'll let him have her. Jasper stay with Bella for the day, what will happen?  
_

* * *

**JPOV**

I sat unmoving for about ten minutes. Perched on a branch just inside the treeline behind Bella's house. I listened to Alice explanation and thought back to the first time someone told me about mates. It was an important lesson during one of our first drills in Maria's Army. Kill one mate, kill the other. She taught us about mates and about the strong bond they shared. Her words didn't make it a desirable bond to have, though. Nobody wanted to be mated if it meant to suffer unimaginable pain if someone killed your mate. Her drill wasn't meant to plant the idea of mercy inside of us but simply to avoid the wrath of a revenge-seeking vampire who lost his mate at the hand of her army. I made sure that no mate was ever left alive while the other died, though. It was my self-imposed mission.

While I sat there listening to Alice' little vampire 101, I thought back to the strange pull I felt towards Bella. Now that I knew that we were mates I couldn't deny it anymore. What I took for brotherly affection and concern was way more than that. It took a load off my mind to see it as it was. Bella is my mate. Or at least she would be when she's changed. I've never heard of a vampire-human relationship before but I knew from Rosalie that mates could recognize each other even if one of them was still human. Mates could also exist among human couples. What they call soul-mates could turn into our definition of mates when they'd be changed. My mind was racing and it took me some time to focus on the hushed conversation again.

Bella was feeling curious and anxious, I couldn't place the other feelings that spiraled up and down again inside of her. I could barely see her from my elevated position. She was furiously biting her bottom lip and I chuckled lightly at Alice frustrated voice.

"You know, you should stop that.." she grumbled, pointing at Bella's lip.

I could feel her self consciousness spike as she blushed a deep crimson sucking in her bottom lip.

"Sorry.." she smiled an apologetic smile and started to fumble with her hair instead. "I'm just really nervous about the whole mate thing. I mean.. You don't think that Edward and I could be..mates?"

The rage welled up inside me and I tried very hard not to crush the tree under my grip. A low growl escaped my throat but I was startled when Alice actually chuckled.

"No, I know for sure that Edward isn't you mate. And apart from that, you're not a vampire. I don't know how all of this is going to work out." she tapped her forehead lightly "You've got to decide to act on your feelings first."

I relaxed against the branch again. Alice knew full well that I was listening and wanted nothing more than to talk Bella through this myself. Knowing Alice, I decided to go in. I heard her low mutter as she breathed too low for Bella to hear, "Finally.. you should have been the one to tell her right from the start." and then louder to Bella "Jasper wants to come in and talk, is that okay with you?"

Her heart practically raced inside her chest as she nodded eagerly. I could feel her anticipation and it made me all the more excited. I jumped off the tree and landed lightly on my feet just in front of the door. Knocking lightly before opening the door I peeked inside. Bella flashed a brilliant smile at me as soon as she caught my eye. I noticed Alice' sour expression. She looked hurt but I could feel her self-restraint and guilt underneath it. She had kept Bella from me. She had known all along that we were meant to be together. We were going to talk this through later on but first of all I had to make sure that Bella was alright.

Taking two steps in her direction I looked her over again. Her face was delightfully flushed and her lips were pink again. She didn't shiver anymore but the bruises on her neck were getting darker. I let my eyes wander to her wrists but they were covered by the long sleeves of her hoodie. I looked back up at her to see her worried expression. She reached out and brushed the tip of her finger against the crease between my eyes, effectively smoothing out my frown. Her touch send a surge of electricity through me and I captured her wrist as she slowly pulled her hand away. Laying it flat against my cheek I leaned into her touch and closed my eyes. I was surprised with myself and the purr that escaped my lips startled me so much that I dropped her hand instantly. Her expression was full of questions, wonder and excitement.

"I..I.." Alice croaked, avoiding my eyes "I'm going to help Edward reattach his arms."

I heard Bella's gasp and turned just in time to see her shocked expression. Her hand covered her mouth and I felt a sudden pang of guilt. Not that I regretted what I've done to Fuckward but I couldn't stand to 'cause Bella any pain. I averted my eyes and rubbed the back of my neck when Alice strode forward. Just before she passed me I put out my hand in front of her.

"Alice.. we're not done yet. I want the whole story and I'll get it." I cast her an evil look.

She cringed but nodded anyways before smiling sadly at Bella and rushing out.

I let out a deep sigh and glanced over at the clock. Just a little after noon. As if on command Bella's stomach started growling and I felt her embarrassment.

"Maybe I should have taken her up on her offer after all." she looked up at me through her lashes, face flushed and a small smile played on her lips. I couldn't help but grin down at her as I strode confidently over to the fridge and opened it, checking the insides for something tasty but easy enough so I wouldn't screw up.

"You know it's been a while but I guess a grilled cheese sandwich doesn't need that much skill after all." I grinned over my shoulder when her stomach growled again.

"Yeah sounds good." she licked her lips but pulled her eyebrows together just before she blushed further. "I'd really like to take a shower. I'm still a little frozen inside."

Nodding I pulled the cheese and butter out of the fridge and closed the door.

"Yeah you do that. I'll get started over here."

She shot me a thankful look and hurried up and into the bathroom. Just a minute later I heard the water running and pulled out two small pans. I couldn't even fathom the appeal of human food. But the few human memories I had were fuzzy and didn't really include any food. I let the pans heat up and prepared the sandwiches while Bella hummed contently in the shower. A low chuckle rumbled through my chest. That girl was tough but standing kneedeep in the cold snow wearing only jeans and a hoodie surely took its toll on her. She took her time, getting a good soak and I was sure she needed it. It wasn't only the cold that wore her out but also Edwards brutal treatment. I could feel the growl built up but I swallowed it before it could come out. That son of a bitch got off too easily. I should have ripped every finger from his hand before tearing the whole arm off. It could have been so much more painful.

I thought about all the ways I could have punished him and almost forgot about the sandwiches. The cheese started to ooze out and sizzled loudly in the pan. I flipped the sandwich satisfied with the nice, crispy golden-brown outcome of the first side. Upstairs the water shut off and after a few minutes the blow-drier came to life with a loud roar. Opening the cabinets I searched for a plate and a glass. Setting both on the kitchen table I turned back to the fridge to grab a can of soda. I turned the stove off just in time for Bella to arrive downstairs. She gave me an approving smile and licked her lips again.

"Thanks Jasper," she laughed when I pulled the chair out for her. "That smells delicious"

"You think so?" I wrinkled my nose at the grilled cheese on her plate. She smelled way better than that piece of.. food. Her natural rich scent was enhanced by the warmth of the water. Her face was slightly flushed and her eyes were practically shining. Her hair was still a little damp and I couldn't stop myself from reaching out to tug a little stray strand behind her ear. I was craving her touch but now was not the time. There was so much more to do before I could even think about her like that. I had a to-do list in my mind. Get her to safety: check, warm her up: check, feed her: almost done. Kiss her senseless was somewhere at the near bottom. Next off was the Q/A session and a little bit of history.

I watched silently while Bella chewed her grilled cheese and took a sip of her soda. She let out cute little moans every now and then and waved the last bit of her sandwich at me.

"You know.. that's pretty good." she moaned around her bite, "I didn't even realize how famished I was."

I chuckled again. "Thanks, I guess. Are you feeling better?"

She watched me intently and pulled her eyebrows together.

"It suits you..the smile I mean. You should do that more often."

She was right. I definitely should and so I grinned at her, surely looking a little goofy but I felt so comfortable in her presence that I didn't care. Bella gave a snorted laugh and finished her sandwich along with the last sips of soda. Before she could get up I had the plate and glass already in the sink and washed. I flashed her another brilliant smile.

"My own little vampire butler."

"You never answered my question. How are you feeling?"

She looked down at her hands but I could see the edges of a smile on her lips.

"A lot better, thanks to you."

I felt her gratitude but also a lot of shame and guilt. Kneeling before her I grabbed her gently by the chin and turned her head to me so I could look into her eyes.

"Hey there, what's with all the shame?"

I brushed my thumb against her bottom lip and became momentary distracted by her sheer beauty. I could lean in and capture that plumb lip between mine. It'd only take a second and I was sure it'd be wonderful. But I let my hand drop and rubbed the back of my neck instead.

Suddenly her arms were around me and she dropped down to the floor hiding her face in my neck. I could feel the tears that burned in her eyes as they dropped on my cool flesh. My arms wrapped around her instantly and I began to rock her. Her emotions were all over the place. I guilt feel love and regret, shame and guilt and a lot of self-loathing. I couldn't think of anything that triggered that reaction so I just hummed softly into her hair.

She calmed down after a few seconds but hugged me closer, snuggling deeper into my chest. I pulled her up against me and rushed us up and into her bedroom.

"There, there... that's better than the kitchen floor, huh." I murmured against her soft hair as I sat her down on the bed. I missed her warmth as soon as she let go of my neck. The heaters in her bedroom were on and it was warm and cozy in her room but without her arms around me I felt oddly cold. I moved over to the rocking chair and pulled it closer to the bed before sitting down with one leg propped on the sheets and the other foot resting on my knee.

"Are you going to tell me what that was about?"

She looked up at me, a few tears still glistening in her lashes. She was ashamed and uncomfortable. I didn't want to push her but I had to know if I upset her.

"You shouldn't have done that." she whispered and I was sure a human wouldn't have caught it.

I felt my heart sink. She didn't want me to touch her. I shot up and stood by the window in a second. My back to her. I couldn't stand to look into her eyes. She needn't know how much it affected me. "She doesn't want me." rang through my mind. I stared absently out of the window and didn't register that Bella moved. Her small hand touched the space between my shoulder blades and I felt the warmth spread through my whole body. When did I begin to crave her touch like that?

She shifted behind me and tugged at my sleeve so I turned around. Her big brown eyes stared up at me and I could lose myself in those chocolate eyes.

"You should not fight my battles. Edward deserved his punishment, of that I'm sure. But I should have been the one."

I nodded. That made sense. She pulled me to the bed by my sleeve and sat down on the mattress. Legs crossed, back against the headboard and motioned for me to sit across from her. I mirrored her position and she gave me an approving smile.

"So this whole mating thing," she began "I don't really get it."

I laughed at her disgruntled expression.

"What do you want to know?" I offered with a small smile. There wasn't much I knew about it but I was willing to try.

She fidgeted a bit before deciding on a question.

"So, it's a thing between vampires, right?" she waited for my answer so I nodded, "Why should I know anything about it? Alice said I wasn't Edwards mate and I don't see why it's even important right now... I mean.." she trailed off.

I looked into her eyes and smiled. You could practically see the wheels tuning in her head.

"Am I your mate?" she suddenly blurted. I could see that she regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth, but before she could say anything else I scooted closer and took her hand in mine.

"Bella, this is something you have to decide. If you'd become a vampire there would be a connection between us. The urge to mark one another. To be together. We would be mates in every sense of the word." I let that sink in before adding, "That is if you'd chose to change of course."

I touched her hand to my chest just above the sport where my heart was.

"Whatever you decide, I'll be there for you. Whatever you want me to be, I'll be."

She nodded and looked up at our joined hands on my chest. She splayed her fingers out before locking her gaze with mine.

"So it's not necessarily a romantic bond?"

I felt my disappointment at her words but I knew they'd come.

"No.. mates often fall in love. It's only natural but it's not necessary."

She nodded and I felt a small pang of disappointment from her but I could have been projecting.

...

Bella suddenly cheered up and smacked my chest lightly, an evil grin appearing on her face.

"So what have you been up to? I want to know everything!"

And so I told her. It was easy to forget about the whole tragedy and simply live in the moment with Bella.

She was like my personal sun. Radiating light and warmth and before I knew it I fell in love with her.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Oh god it's so hard. I've got the next 4 chapters planned already, got the songs and summaries but they're not writing themselves now, are they?! Maybe I should write my next fic in German and have some nice lad translate it for me. Arrrghh.. enough with the self pity already.

I'd like to thank:

Arabella Whitlock

NatalieLynn

soft and innocent

and my dear guest reviewer: Iwolf

Thank you for your continued support! Every review and PM helps me so much! I'd like to thank everyone of you who faved/followed and/or reviewed. I'm sorry if I didn't answer. It's complicated to find the ones I didn't between my phone, tablet and pc. Just know that I really appreciate it!

You are the reason I keep going even when I need 5 hours for 1k words. Kisses and hugs for all of you and a shirtless Major on top ;)


	10. Chapter 9: Cry

**A/N:** Still don't own Twilight. Song in the beginning is called "Secret Smile" by SEMISONIC.

* * *

**Chapter 9: Cry**

Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile  
And you use it only for me

So use it and prove it  
Remove this whirling sadness  
I'm losing, I'm bluesing  
But you can save me from madness

So save me I'm waiting  
I'm needing, hear me pleading  
And soothe me, improve me  
I'm grieving, I'm barely believing now, now

Chapter's Summary: Jasper stayed the night with Bella but she wakes up alone. Charlie asks questions and Alice wants to clear things up a bit.

* * *

**BPOV**

The sun beat down from the cloudless sky, I could feel the heat on my skin and it took me a couple of moments to adjust to the brightness. A wide grin spread across my face as I took in the sign around me. I stood in the beautiful meadow Edward showed me last year. I ignored the pain in my chest at the thought of him and bent down to pick some flowers. Breathing in the heavenly scent I smiled down at the little purple flower in my hands.

I felt his presence even before I heard his unhurried steps behind me. He strolled lazily over to me, a small smile played on his lips. He looked incredibly good in a tight black v-neck shirt and worn jeans that hung low on his hips, clinging to his ass in all the right ways. He crouched down besides me and began to pluck a few flowers, before braiding them into a crown. His honey blond hair fell into his eyes, casting a long shadow across his face. The rest of his exposed skin sparkled in the sunlight, and for the first time in my life I realized just how beautiful he was. Jasper looked up at me, his eyes like liquid gold burning into my own. He reached up and placed the flower crown on my head, a sly smile crossed his lips and I caught the mischievous look in his eyes just before he flung himself at me.

A startled laugh escaped my lips as he pressed me into the grass and hovered over me. His eyes sparkled and I found myself unable to look away as he leaned down. My gaze slipped lower, landing on his lush lips and I waited in anticipation.

"Jasper." I moaned, our breaths mingling in the small space between us.

Just before our lips connected I felt a shift in the air around us. Jasper was on his feet in a flash, pulling me with him.

"Don't move." he breathed against my ear.

Shuddering I let my gaze wander around the treetops at the other end of the meadow where a large flock of birds broke out of the forest. Dark clouds made their way from the woods to the meadow, covering the sun and sucking all the light from the clearing. I shivered in Jasper's arms, leaning back against his chest. I wanted to run away, wanted to scream at Jasper to take me away but no sounds came out of my mouth.

A dark figure emerged from the woods directly across from us, walking slowly towards us. I could make out the vibrant red eyes that stared right at me. Fear rippled through me and I clawed desperately at Jasper's arms. Why didn't he move? Why couldn't I move? The vampire continued it's slow movements towards us, baring its teeth in an evil sneer.

"Oh Bella, you do smell mouth-watering." it drawled in a familiar southern accent.

I spun around to look up at Jasper, but he wasn't my Jasper anymore. His eyes were red, his expression hard and unreadable as he held me firmly at my upper arms. His gaze fixed on the other vampire as he spun me around again, my back pressed against his chest. I could not escape his death grip so I faced the stranger. The face was slowly coming into view and I saw that it was a female vampire. She was gorgeous. Her long dark hair flowed around her shoulders in beautiful curls. I knew her name despite never seeing her.

"Maria.." I breathed weakly.

She chuckled, cocking her head to the side before closing her eyes. She took a deep breath. When her eyes snapped open again they were pitch black. With a last wide spreaded grin she pounced and launched herself at me.

* * *

I woke with a start. My heart pounding wildly in my chest. I drew in a shaky breath and looked around my room, noticing that I was alone. Untangling my blanket and smoothing out my pillow I let myself fall back into the cushions. Jasper wasn't here anymore. I must have fallen asleep in the middle of our conversation. The last thing I remembered was talking about his journals and why he started writing them. We had slowly broached the topic of pre-Cullen Jasper. Meaning pre-vegetarian Jasper to be exact. He told me about the woman that turned him into a vampire. I could tell by his sour expression and the bitterness in his voice that he despised that vampire. He spat her name like it burned him. Maria. The woman that appeared in my dream. I shuddered thinking back to the way she looked at me. Maybe that wasn't the best topic before going to bed.

I sat up in my bed and tried really hard to remember our conversation about her. Jasper mentioned two other vampires... Peter and a girl, his mate. I couldn't remember her name but I knew that they meant the world to Jasper. I've never seen him so relaxed, so content in his skin, not even around Alice.

Reaching over I grabbed my phone from the bedside table and turned it on. It had to be quite early, my alarm hadn't gone of yet, so not time to get up yet. Glancing at the little clock at the top of the screen I read: 6:02 am. Enough time to get dressed, have a little snack and go over to the Cullen's before school. I didn't hold it against Jasper that he had left. It was nice of him to stay with me as long as I was awake and go as soon as I fell asleep. Unlike my ex-boyfriend who crept around my bedroom long before we started dating.

I crawled out of my bed and picked up my favourite pair of jeans from my dresser, sniffing my armpits I decided to take a quick shower. Snatching a clean pair of panties, the matching bra and a simple long sleeved shirt, I walked out of my bedroom and over to the bathroom. I felt myself relax as soon as the hot water sprayed across my skin. Edward had got me pretty good. My arms were covered in dark bruises and I felt sore in a lot of places. I wrapped myself in a fluffy towel and stepped out of the shower. The bruises on my neck looked rather harmless compared to the ones on my arms but I still needed to cover them. If you looked closely you could actually make out Edwards slim fingers where they pressed into my flesh. I got dressed and pulled my hair into a high ponytail. Sighing, I grabbed my concealer and powder. I normally didn't wear make up, especially not to school but there was no helping it now. Satisfied with the outcome I let my hair down again and brushed it out. When I let it fall over my shoulder nobody would notice anything. I smiled at myself in the mirror. Yeah that would work.

I took my backpack and made my way down. Skipping the last steps I noticed that Charlie wasn't home yet. Good. I strolled over to the kitchen and grabbed a pop tart, putting it in the toaster. Pulling out the OJ I poured myself a glass and sat down on the counter, waiting for my pop tart to finish toasting. Just when I took the last sip of juice I heard a car pull up. Oh no. I hopped from the counter and ran over to the window.

"Shit.." I cursed under my breath. Charlie was home.

The door opened and Charlie walked in, hanging up his jacket and holster. He spun around at the sound of the toaster. I cringed when his eyes landed on me.

"Good god, Bella you scared me. Good thing I've hung up the holster already." he chuckled awkwardly. "Whatcha doing down here?" He eyed the empty glass in my hand and the pop tart in the toaster.

"Yeah I.. I'm just having a little breakfast." I stammered, looking at the floor.

"At 6:23 in the morning? On a Friday?" he glanced at the clock over the stove furrowing his brow. I snatched my pop tart out of the toaster and took a bite, waving it at him.

"Yeah.. woke up early, couldn't go back to sleep." I shrugged, chewing on the hot pastry.

He took a couple of steps into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I could see that he was exhausted. He called yesterday around 9 pm telling me that he'd sleep at the station and come home in the morning but judging on the big circles under his eyes he hadn't slept, or at least not very well.

"You know Bells, I met Mr. Weber yesterday, really nice guy. Thought I'd thank him for all the times they took you in over the last month." he rubbed his eyes, frowning at his hands on the table before continuing. "Thing is, he said you hadn't visited since last summer."

I could feel the colour drain from my face, I felt like fainting and grabbed the counter top for support. I swallowed around the lump in my throat and opened my mouth.

"Dad.." I squeaked out.

He looked up at me and I could see the disappointment in his eyes. Charlie suddenly looked his age, his expression tired and worn out. He wasn't angry and that's what scared me. I've never seen my dad look so frustrated. He ran a hand over his face, scrunching his brow and looking up at the ceiling.

"Bella, I know you haven't been spending the nights at Angela's." he sighed before he carrying on "I want you to answer my next questions truthfully. Okay? I'm not angry and I promise not to shout, just be honest, please?!" he looked at me with a pleading expression and I nodded.

He squared his shoulders, took a deep calming breath and looked me straight in the eyes.

"Is there a boy involved?"

All the tension suddenly disappeared and I let out a huff of air, breathing out an unsure laugh. Just when I wanted to say no my phone buzzed in my pocket. I chose to ignore it but it kept buzzing with incoming texts. I shot my dad an apologetic smile and flipped my phone open.

"_**Tell him yes."**_

"_**Trust me."**_

"_**It's the easiest way."**_

"_**And meet me after school! A."**_

I read the last message with a small smile. That pixie sure came in handy sometimes. I made the decision to thank her later today and instantly received another text from her.

"_**No problem sweetie. A."**_

Charlie grunted in disapproval and I shifted my attention back to him.

"Sorry,.." I smiled at him when he gave me a curt nod, "So... yes... there is a boy."  
He groaned placing his face in his hands. I felt bad lying to him. Technically there was no boy. Sure thing there was Jasper. But he only came back yesterday.. and I certainly wouldn't call him a boy.

"You're dating him?" he muttered into his palms.

"No.. I don't know." I felt the truth of the words and it hurt. When Jasper told me that mates didn't necessarily fall in love with each other I could barely hide my disappointment and simply shrugged it off. We didn't even talk about the whole Alice dilemma. Maybe that's why she wanted to meet me after school. Urgh... I dreaded the conversation I was sure we were going to have.

"Okay.. but you've been spending time at his place. When you told me you'd be at Angela's, right?"

I nodded and watched as Charlie began to pinch the bridge of his nose. That's usually a sign for the end of our conversation and his desperate need for a beer but seeing as it was not even 7 am I doubted that he'd take the beer right now.

"Alright Bells, you're 18, there's barely anything I can do about this right now, just please, please promise me one thing." I could see the plea in his eyes and nodded eagerly, I wanted nothing more than to end this awkward conversation here and now. "Just be.. be careful, alright? Both of you.. I mean.. you know?" he stuttered and blushed crimson.

I took a moment to ponder his request and when the meaning finally sunk in I blushed just as furiously as Charlie.

"Oh my gosh.. Dad!" I screeched.

"I know Bella, please. Just promise me this one thing and I'll go to bed. God knows I need some sleep right now."

"Okay, okay!" I all but screamed. "I promise!"

I couldn't believe my dad actually asked that of me. Renee sure, but Charlie? No way in hell.

He held up his hands and made his way over to me.

"And don't lie to me again, 'kay?"

"'kay."

Kissing the top of my head he smiled down at me and left the kitchen. I finished my pop tart, put on my winter jacket and grabbed my backpack. It was still early but I wouldn't make it to the Cullen's before school anymore. I sighed, wondering where Jasper was right now. The ache inside my chest was back and although I knew now that the strange pull I experienced was normal, I couldn't wrap my head around it. Maybe we should have spend more time talking about this than talking about my catatonic state after their departure and Jasper's trip back to Forks.

I hoped that my conversation with Alice would go well and started my truck. It roared to life and I drove off to school.

* * *

School finished only a few minutes ago but I practically sprinted across the parking lot to make it to my car. I swear to god, teenagers go wild on a Friday afternoon. Everyone was making plans for the weekend and tonight and the air was buzzing with sexual tension between my classmates. I had to wriggle my arm out of Eric's hold on me. He was determined to take me out this weekend and didn't take a no for an answer.

I should have known better than to run across the slippery parking lot. Just when I lost my balance a small arm snaked itself around my waist, steadying me.

"Hey there, you shouldn't be going so fast." Alice chuckled besides me.

I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thank god, I would have cracked my head open without you." I rubbed my side a bit where her arm caught me, feeling the tenderness from yesterday. "Please take me out of here before someone decides to drag me into a movie or something."

Alice let out a small laugh before looking over her shoulder. "The decision's already made but I could swoop you off your feet and run." she waggled her eyebrows at me, knowing full well that I hated to ride on her back.

I groaned when Jessica Stanley walked up to us. She took a double take when she saw Alice besides me.

"Oh Alice, I didn't know you're back?" she squeaked.

Alice gave her a fake smile and responded in a sweet voice, "I'm just visiting Bella for the weekend."

I saw Jessica recoil. I've never understood why the Cullen's had that strange effect on some people.

"You could have just said that." she scolded me, "However, have fun. See you Monday?"

I gave her a small smile and nodded. She left without another word, casting a glance over her shoulder every thee steps.

"Thanks for that."

Alice nudged me with her elbow, a sly smile on her lips.

"No problem, let's get out of here."

We drove in complete silence, snaking our way up the Cullen's driveway. It's only been a day but she already worked miracles on the house. It was cleaned up, the electricity was working and the heaters were on. I nodded over to the empty space in the living room.

"Where's the piano?"

A small frown appeared on Alice face and she shrugged.

"When I arrived it lay in shreds on the ground. I suppose Edward and Jasper had a little fight before they continued it in the woods."

I shivered at the thought of them fighting.

Alice sat down in the middle of the big couch and patted the spot next to her, inviting me to sit down.

"Thanks again, for the texts I mean."

"So it went well." she smiled.

"Yeah," I shrugged, feeling a bit uncomfortable. I didn't want to broach the subject but at the same time I wanted to know all about her and Jasper.

"Bella, relax." she patted my knee affectionately before telling me her story.

"Jasper and I, we're not together anymore. He left me a few weeks after your birthday but it was over a lot earlier. I tried to hold on, desperately clutching to everything we had. It didn't work out." she shrugged, "Sometimes we want things so bad that we don't see clearly anymore. I loved Jazz since the first vision I had of him." she smiled sadly, rubbing my knee all the while.

"Jasper was on the verge of breaking when we met. He felt something from me, something he hadn't felt in a while. Hope. We bonded over it. I tried to fix him without realizing that he didn't need to be fixed."

I watched her face intently, venom tears pooled in her eyes and a smile pulled at the edges of her lips.

"I saw you coming into our lives a few years ago. I didn't know how or when but I saw that you would change all of us. Some for the better, some for the worse. You touched our hearts, you really did."

"Things changed when I had the first vision of you and Jasper. It was in Phoenix just before you left to safe your mom. Jasper told you you're worth it."

I smiled at the memory.

"I didn't know that you were mates back then. I only saw that you two could become really good friends. Maybe more. When we came back, Edward saw one of those visions in my head. He wanted to keep you away from Jasper from that point. He even considered leaving you. I talked him out of it. You were a part of our family already."

"However, things changed the moment you cut your finger. I saw that if you were changed Jasper and you would become a couple pretty fast. You would fall in love and eventually leave us."

I was utterly shocked at her revelation. She squeezed my knee and continued in a low voice.

"Edward saw the vision and flung you into the table. He was furious, beyond control already. He wanted to drain you but he also wanted to keep you away from Jasper. He was conflicted but also determined."

Alice shook her head, her tone serious and dark.

"I should have known back then that his intentions weren't pure anymore. He persuaded us to leave. Fully intending on coming back to claim you. But Edward is smart. He didn't make the decision until he came back to Forks with me."

She began sobbing at this point.

"I'm so sorry Bella. It's all my fault. He was in my head, saw all the visions I had. He saw you going into Jasper's study, saw Jasper going back to Forks. You two would have met, fallen in love. So we ran. I should convince you to stay away from our house and he should take Jasper back home. I realized too late that he didn't want to take Jasper back. He wanted him out of the way."

I hardly understood her anymore, patting her back awkwardly, trying to sooth her.

"I tried to get it right, I'm so sorry. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw Edward in the woods with you. He was so far gone. Making decision he would surely regret. Jasper reaction only confirmed my visions. You are meant to be together."

I tried to contemplate everything she just told me, tried to put the pieces together.

"But you told me to stay away from him. That he was dangerous." I cocked my head to the side.

"I did and he was. At that moment he wasn't aware of your bond. He was furious with me and Edward. I wasn't sure what would happen and if you got caught in the crossfire Jasper would have been devastated. And he wouldn't have known why. I'm sorry, please forgive me"

I hugged her, kissing her forehead and smiled at her. Of course I would forgive her. She was my best friend and I understood where she was coming from. If I had a man like Jasper by my side I would hold onto him for dear life.

We talked for the rest of the afternoon and well into the evening when Charlie called to ask if I would be home for dinner or if he should order a pizza. I said yes to both, not feeling like cooking. There was too much for me to ponder. Alice had given me a book about vampires. A real book this time. Asked me to hide it and give it back as soon as I could. The author was a friend of Carlisle who studied everything involving his kind. This one was about the phenomena of mates and the romantic bonds between vampires in general.

That night I stayed up to read the book until I fell asleep crying. My ache for Jasper and the hurt of his rejection following me into my dreams.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

I'm really thankful for all the feedback, I love you guys! You are the best! So a guest reviewer pointed out that the chapters are too short.. kinda?! I don't know I might misinterpreted something. However I tried a longer chapter this time, tell me if you like it. Before I started the fanfic I read about the "perfect" length of a fanfic chapter and it said between 2000 and 3000 words.

Next: Jasper's POV


	11. Chapter 10: Mud-Tears

**A/N:** Still not owning Twilight. Song used in the beginning „Bloodstream" by Stateless. I kept listening to this song, waiting for the perfect situation to use it.

* * *

**Chapter 10: Mud-Tears  
**

Wake up and look me in the eyes again  
I need to feel your hands  
Upon my face  
Words can be likes knives  
They can cut you open  
And the silence surrounds you  
and haunts you

**I think I might****'****ve inhaled you  
I c****an**** feel you behind my eyes  
You've gotten into my bloodstream  
I can feel you flowing in me **

_Chapter's Summary: Jasper tries to understand the mating pull between him and Bella. He wants to be with her but he's to blind to see that she feels the same. Somebody calls him and knows exactly what's up._

* * *

**JPOV**

The night engulfed me like a blanket, swallowing colors until everything seemed gray. My breath came in short shallow pants, despite the missing need to actually breath. If I had a functioning heart instead of the long dead one inside my chest, it would have beaten frantically. My mind was running 100 mile per hour and running at the same speed didn't do anything to stop myself from thinking about her.

Everything about Bella drew me in. Her wonderful scent, floral, sweet and clean. The way her body curves beneath her cloth, the swell of her breasts, her smooth slim legs and that sweet spot just above her collarbone. Sometime during the evening she traded her jeans for a ridiculously short pair of sweatpants. It took everything I had not to reach out and touch her creamy skin. She took my breath away with one bat of her eyelashes. And the best thing about Bella was that she didn't know what kind of an effect she had on me. She didn't know that I wanted to rip that tiny excuse of sweatpants off her body when she bit her bottom lip like that or sucked on it after realizing she bit down a little too hard. Bella couldn't feel the enormous amount of self control it took not to rush over and suck that plumb lip into my own mouth instead.

I pressed myself harder, willing the images of Bella's slim body out of my mind. Wincing at the sounds of destruction I left behind as I crashed through trees and boulders on my way. There was one thing however that I hadn't considered. The ache to be by her side didn't subdue at all. Quite the contrary. The need to turn around and run back to her increased with every step. But I fought it until I crashed into a bear's den.

The bear wasn't all that happy when I destroyed its home and woke it from its hibernation. The poor bear wasn't grumpy for long, though. I snapped his neck and sank my teeth into him before he could even rise to full height. I growled against his furry skin. No amount of blood could quench the thirst I had for Bella. No matter how many bears I took down, nothing could erase her from my mind.

A little voice inside my head told me to turn around, run back to her, snatch her from her home and change her somewhere in an isolated area. That part wanted her to be a vampire so the mating bond could form properly and bind us together for eternity. But I willed that voice to shut up. Would I be a lesser man or a lesser vampire for that matter, she would have been a vampire the moment I recognized her as my mate. However I let her make that decision and after our conversation yesterday it became painfully clear to me that she wasn't so eager to leave her human life behind anymore.

She grew up a lot in the four month without us. I could see it in her stance and the way she squared her shoulders whenever she talked about Edward. I mourned the loss of innocent Bella but I also appreciated the strong woman she was slowly becoming. She would be magnificent in a few years. Her body was already developing more and more womanly features, leaving her childish round face behind for high, defined cheekbones. She was simply beautiful and I couldn't wait for her to mature even more. Bella had always been an adult mind trapped in a teenager's body. If I'd change her now it would forever stay like this.

A growl rumbled deep in my chest. Why couldn't I stop thinking about her? I was going insane with the incredible desire that rippled through me at the sheer thought of her. I wanted more, more than she was able to give. I wanted her body, her soul... her beautiful, regrettably tainted, soul. I let the roar break free as I ripped trees from the earth, smashing them against boulders and other trees.

I've formed a perfect circle where I stood, my chest heaving with rage. I sat down in the middle of my newly created clearing. The sun was slowly beginning its rise over the top of the mountains in the distance. There was nothing quite as beautiful as watching the sun rise. Except for watching the twinkle in Bella's eyes when she smiled, maybe.

I roared again, slamming my dirty hands against my head. Why couldn't I get her out of my head? Just when I wanted to tear a few more trees apart my phone buzzed. I fished it out of my pocket, staring at it like it was something foreign. I let it buzz a few more times before tentatively flipping it open and reading the message. It was from Alice, the only contents a phone-number I knew by heart and a winking smiley. I dialed the number and waited. He picked up after the first ring, answering in his familiar southern drawl.

"Major." I could hear the amusement in his voice and I went right along.

"Captain." I drawled, laying the accent on thick. "How's the missus?"

I heard Charlotte's groan in the background.

"Major, stop bullshitting, you didn't call to make some kind of chitchat. Spit it out."

I swear to God or whoever wants to listen, Peter just knows shit. Nobody knows how much but he makes sure to parade it every now and then.

"Well what do _you_ know?" I grumbled.

Peter was my best friend but sometimes I wanted to punch him right in the face. Unfortunately he was well trained and through the years it got harder to beat him without using my special abilities. But even then Charlotte often joined our little fights, switching sides depending on her mood. She enjoyed beating her mate a little too much for my liking. It's been a while since Peter and I fought in a fair battle, just the two of us against each other.

"I know that a certain Major wreaked havoc on a poor little forest somewhere in Idaho,"

Peter paused for a moment while I let that information sink in. It seemed I ran farther than expected.

He then continued, suddenly all serious, "And I know that he finally found his mate." I could hear the smile in his low voice and somehow that was enough to calm me down.

I lay back on the dirt, staring up at the sky and took one breath after another. Peter and Charlotte continued their hushed conversation while I let myself relax for the first time today and finally allowed my mind to wander. The thoughts about her came easily. I let my mind fill with the memories from yesterday. Her laugh was the most beautiful sound in the whole world, it warmed my long dead heart until I could have sworn it beat again.

I don't know how long I thought about her like that but when I finally put the phone to my ear again the other side was silent.

"Are you still there?" I croaked into the speaker. The rush of air on their side was the immediate answer.

"Sure thing, hun." Charlotte's soft voice called out. I couldn't help but smile at her little term of endearment. The sun was now high in the sky, bathing me in its light and warmth, doing nothing to help me with my anxiety. I was feeling utterly lost. Like a child that stared into the starlit night and understood for the first time how small it was compared to the universe.

"I'm scared." My voice sounded foreign to me and Charlotte's shushing didn't do anything in regard of finding my courage again. I was still sprawled out in the dirty clearing, mud clinging to me like a second skin but I didn't care at all.

"What if she doesn't want me? If she doesn't want to be changed? I can't watch her grow old and die... I can't.." I rasped covering my eyes with my muddy hand, ignoring the dirt that dripped down onto my face. I pretended it were tears falling down my cheeks instead.

Char signed, I could hear the concern and love for me in her next words.

"I guess you need to figure that out for yourself." There was a short pause before she added, "But really.. you're an empath, just feel."

She was probably right but I was afraid of what I might feel from Bella.

"Major, man up a bit already and run back home to your girl. She's probably bawling her eyes out right now." Peter chimed in harshly.

I heard what only could have been Charlotte hitting him because Peter cried out and she was back on the line.

"Really Jasper, go to herand just hold her hand. what could possibly go wrong?"

I snorted and my head ran wild with all the things that could go wrong.

"Char, I already held her hand.. she's not feeling that way..."

Her pity was palpable even over the phone and I growled out in anger.

"I don't want your pity." I snarled out through gritted teeth.

"Hey slow down there. I'm not sorry for you, I'm sorry for her. You can't even see what you're doing to her by running away in the middle of the night. Rejecting her like that just a few month after that shitty excuse of a man did that to her. You told me how much you hated him for it, so why do you make the same mistakes?"

She knew exactly how much she hit home with her words and I heard Peter's chuckle when I growled out in frustration but sprang to my feet and started running right away.

"That's my boy. Bring her along sometime, Char could use a girl friend."

I could practically hear the wink in his voice.

"Thank you, both of you."

"No problem. We love you." And with that I snapped my phone shut and shoved it into my pocket. I would have to take a short detour to grab some clean clothes and a shower at the house before going back to Bella.

Realizing that it was already past noon I sped up. Pushing myself to maximum speed. I couldn't care less if I cleared a nice path through dense forests and mountains on my way. Maybe a couple of hikers would stumble across it someday and wonder what kind of force created a straight path between Washington and Idaho. All I knew was that I had to get to Bella and rather fast at that.

It was just a little past midnight when I finally arrived at the house. I barged into the foyer without paying any attention to Alice. From what I felt from her she already knew that I was in a hurry. I ripped the muddy clothes from my body as soon as I entered the bathroom, not caring to pull them off carefully. I didn't let myself enjoy the soft warm spray any longer than required and sped into the bedroom stark naked and soaking wet. Alice growled loudly downstairs.

"As if the mud all over the carpet isn't enough! I've spent all day cleaning this fucking house."

Alice swearing usually isn't a good sign but when I jumped down the stairs she hadn't moved from her position on the couch. She didn't even look up from her magazine, just raised her brow slightly when I rushed past her.

"Really, those jeans with that shirt?"

I stopped just inside the doorway, throwing her an irritated look. She flipped to the next page, her eyes hidden behind the cover.

"Don't make her wait."

Her voice was heavy with emotions, the taunting edge from before gone completely. I didn't need my power to see that she was hurt but she tried very hard to keep her composure. I threw her a wave of gratitude before rushing out, catching the tiniest smile on her lips as I turned around.

The world around me became a blur again as I pushed myself through the woods, this time cautiously avoiding trees and mud-puddles. I jumped onto the tree in front of Bella's bedroom window and pulled my muddy boots of, placing them carefully onto a branch next to me.

I focused all my senses on the human girl behind those walls, inhaling her scent until my lungs were filled to the brim, listening to her heartbeat until it was the only thing that measured time along with her steady breathing. I sat like that for a good hour, torn between wanting to go inside and waiting for her to wake up. I didn't want to intrude but lurching around on a tree in front of her house didn't seem any less creepy.

I watched the rise and fall of her chest and all the emotions that crossed her face. It was a miracle that Edward couldn't read her. Her thoughts were written all over her face even in her dreams. I scooted closer, nearly falling off the branch to catch a glimpse of that beautiful face. She looked distraught, her limps tangled in the sheets. I could see little drops of sweat on her forehead. Her heartbeat suddenly burst into a staccato and she began to pant, gripping the bed sheets furiously. She was having a nightmare, fear poured out of her every pore.

My decision to stay outside faltered. I just needed a small sign, anything to tell me that it was alright to burst into this room right now and comfort her.

I heard her small whimpers and they shot right through me. My name fell from her lips like a silent prayer and that was all I needed. I was on her windowsill and on her bed in a heartbeat, taking her shaking body into my arms. The relief I felt was instantly, amplified when she snuggled into my chest. She was calming down the moment our skin touched. I brushed a sweaty curl out of her forehead and she sighed my name again.

I locked my arms around her torso pressing her into me as I lay down besides her. Her hand came up to rest against my chest and I couldn't stop the content purr that rumbled through my chest.

"You came back." she whispered against the column of my throat, startling me.

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to wake you up. You had I nightmare … I.. I'm sorry.." I rambled on until she shushed me, touching her finger against my lips.

" 's okay. Stay." she yawned sleepily.

I pressed a small kiss to the finger that still rested against my mouth.

Her giggle warmed my heart and I pulled her closer to me, nuzzling the top of her head.

My life, my heart, my soul, she had it all in her hands. Whether she decided to stay human or become a vampire. I would stay by her side for the rest of my being, for without her I would surely cease to exist.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

So that's it again. Sorry for the rather short chapter but there's simply nothing more to say at the moment. Next chapter's about the "morning after". I wanna finish this story pretty soon because I'll be in Tunisia in a week for ten days and after that university starts again. I'll try to wrap everything up nicely, there are a few loose ends right now but if I can't finish it till October prepare for a little hiatus. Really sorry 'bout that :(

As always, I'm extremely thankful for all of your support. You're the bessssssst :*

Smoochies! 3


	12. Chapter 11: Heartbeat

**Author's Note: **Twilight and all it's characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. Song used in the beginning: "I Was Wrong" by Sleeperstar. Rather short but highly enjoyable, gives me goosebumps every time! :)

* * *

**Chapter 11: Heartbeat**

I saw you fell asleep while you were reading  
The pages on your face you had been weeping  
And I saw what it was that I had done

I was wrong

_**Chapter's Summary: **Jasper runs back to Bella's and finds her asleep in her bed. They spend the night together, cuddled up._

* * *

******JPOV**

Bella's small frame was cuddled up against me, her breathing even ones more and her steady heartbeat drumming a constant rhythm against me. I was laying flat on my back, arms wrapped around her while her head rested on my chest. Her right hand was fisted into my shirt, never loosening its tight grip and with every passing hour she seemed to snuggle deeper into me until she intertwined our legs, locking me firmly into place.

I chuckled into the hair at the crown of her head. She seemed to be insistent on keeping me in her bed. Of course I could have gotten away if I wanted to, but why would I leave the warmth of her bed and the heaven that was Bella?

Time passed slowly as I listened to her heartbeat. The wet thumping sound didn't call to me like it should. I wasn't hungry, my throat didn't burn stronger than any other day.. I was okay. Musing it over I let my eyes wander around the room. It didn't really display her in any way. There were no pictures or posters, nothing revealing the personality of the beautiful human living here. The only things that gave away something were her books. Plenty of them filled the shelves next to the rocking-chair. Some old and worn, some new and seemingly untouched. Mostly works of fiction, a lot of romance novels, not really my area.

I reached over to the other side of the bed where I've seen a book when I entered her room. She must have fallen asleep reading, it lay open, half covered under a pillow. I snatched it from under the pillow, careful not to wake her up. Bella groaned whenever I moved too much under her, her tights pressing against my leg. It was plain torture.

I observed the old leather-bound book, turning it over in my hand. It smelled and looked rather old, a familiar scent clinging to it. A book from Carlisle's study. I flipped it open again, cautiously turning to the page Bella must have been on when she fell asleep. I was surprised to find that it was one of Eleazar's books on the various relationships between vampires. Bella must have read about the romantic bond that forms between mates. The pages were smudged with tears. I traced the circles where the paper was now crinkled, feeling every tear that fell on these pages like they were my own. Peter and Charlotte had been right. I caused her so much pain by running away without a word.

I placed the book on the nightstand and hugged her closer to me, whispering silent promises into her hair. I could only hope for a forever with her and until then I would simply enjoy what she was willing to give.

Morning was breaking and it was time for me to get out. Not because Bella was waking up or I needed to go anywhere, but because Charlie's alarm went of. I couldn't risk him finding me in bed with his daughter. So I lifted her body tenderly and snuck out from under her, placing her head on a pillow instead. A deep frown appeared on her face as she grumbled her disapproval. I couldn't help but grin as I bent down again and kissed her temple and whispered, "I'll be just outside, don't worry." to my sleeping beauty.

I was out and in the trees just before a disheveled Charlie stuck his head inside Bella's room. He scanned the room for a few seconds before silently closing the door again. Leaning back against the tree I watched as the sun began to rise, one ear listening to Bella's breathing while the other concentrated on Charlie as he prepared for another day at the station. The day was starting of peacefully, the cold wind and snow that'd been around for the last three days finally gone. I inhaled deeply, relishing in the fresh, clean scent of the woods around me. A small smile played on my lips and I closed my eyes. For the first time in many many years I felt at peace. Not completely yet, but still just enough so my inner demon didn't seek revenge and blood for all the years I had to suffer under Maria.

Bella woke up only moments after Charlie left. I felt a load of disappointment from her and scolded myself for not being there when she awoke.

"Jasper?" she asked in an incredibly small voice, whispering that question into her empty room. I leapt up, landing on her windowsill with ease and flashed her a brilliant smile.

"Didn't want Charlie to find me in your bed."

I moved over to her, sitting down next to her on the mattress. She blushed and muttered something under her breath, pulling her bottom lip into her mouth. She looked so beautiful in that moment that I wanted nothing more than to kiss her, but we weren't quite there yet. Honestly, I didn't even know where we stood.

Bella cringed a little, moving her head from one side to the other, pulling faces as she massaged her neck. I couldn't help but laugh at her disgruntled face.

"Suppose sleeping on a vampire's chest isn't as comfortable as you made it look." I wheezed out between laughter.

She shot me a dirty look, sticking her tongue out and blushed furiously. That made me laugh even more until she kicked me off her bed, punching my chest lightly as I pulled her down with me.

"You. Are. Such. A. Meanie." she grunted out, punctuating every word with a punch to my chest while I held her effortlessly above me by her upper arms.

My laugh suddenly died inside my chest as she shifted above me, brushing her tight against me through my jeans ever so slighty. That little involuntary touch knocked the wind right out of me. My eyes must have gone dark then because the next thing I know is that Bella took in a sharp breath and jumped up and onto her bed while I stayed unmoving on the floor. Sprawled out on my back, hands still in the air, gripping nothing now that Bella wasn't hovering over me anymore. I didn't breath, didn't move. I didn't even look up at Bella.

"I am so sorry!" she suddenly blurted out, her emotions a whirlwind somewhere between guilt and remorse. "You were with me the whole night. I shouldn't have.. I'm so sorry."

A sob escaped her then and I was up on my knees facing her in an instant. Holding her face in both my hand I looked into her eyes.

"Don't. I'm alright." I pushed a little bit of my emotions out for her, holding back the lust. I saw her focusing on what she felt from me, taking her time until she nodded.

"Your eyes."

I smiled at her, gently wiping away a tear that rolled down her cheek. My thumb continued the brushing motion against her cheek and she began to relax under my touch, although her tears didn't stop falling.

"Don't worry please. I just need to hunt. You'll never be in danger from me. Never again."

I promised her what I promised myself many months ago. Losing control around Bella ruined our lives and it would never happen again.

"I caused this." she whispered, holding my hands in her own. "It's easy to forget that I'm your natural food source."

Her weak attempt of a smile nearly broke my heart, so I leaned in, touching my forehead to hers. Bella's cheeks radiated heat as her tears slid past my thumbs. Her body trembling under my touch.

"Don't think like that. You're not just a bag of blood to snack on. You're Bella. The most beautiful human I know. And you are so much more than that. Compassionate, trusting, intelligent and above all absolutely loveable. You need to see that."

Her breath mingled with mine, tingling against my lips as she asked between her sobs,

"Then why don't you love me?"

Bella's voice was so low that I almost didn't catch it. But when the meaning of her words finally sunk in I crushed my lips to hers.

It was like nothing I imagined. It was wet and desperate, full of sniffles and choking gasps, hands tangled in each others hair and noses rubbing a little too harshly against each other. But it was full of passion and love and everything I needed. The moment our lips brushed together for the first time my whole world shifted. It was like a puzzle that solved itself and every piece suddenly fit together. My years in the newborn army, Peter and Charlotte, Alice finding me in that Diner, Carlisle and Esme. Everything made perfect sense now that I held Bella in my arms.

* * *

**BPOV**

Kissing Jasper was nothing like kissing Edward. He wasn't careful, our kiss wasn't chaste. It was needy, sloppy and a little painful, but it was just right in some way. We'd have forever for gently kisses and perfect passion but right now, in that moment I needed him too much. I responded desperately when he touched his lips to mine, applying just a little too much pressure. My hands moved into his hair, gripping and caressing, holding him to me for dear life. Jasper tasted like summer and rain and leather and tobacco. He smelled like the sun and the storm and somehow he smelled like home.

I sighed into him, slipping down onto the floor until I sat in his lap. Our kisses slowed down, his lips moved gently against mine, opening up, inviting me in. My tongue darted out, slowly licking his bottom lip, tasting my tears on him. I waited for him to pull back. Waited for him to vamp speed across the room like Edward did so many times, but he didn't. His hand twisted in the nape of my neck as his tongue met mine. I couldn't keep away the moan or the ones that followed after that one. He kissed me, exploring my mouth with his tongue, like nobody had ever kissed me before. He tasted salty on my lips but sweet on the tip of my tongue.

I pulled away a little, trying to catch my breath, I opened my eyes and found Jasper's intense gaze on me, a smile on his glistening lips. I returned the smile and rubbed our noses together.

"Is that your answer?" I breathed against his lips.

I was suddenly overwhelmed with love and passion and a considerable amount of lust. He pushed his emotions out for me to catch a small glimpse of them, but not enough to actually feel them. Jasper smiled innocently, casting butterfly kisses all over my face.

"What do you think?" he drawled, pressing a soft kiss next to each of my eyes, before locking gazes with me ones again.

We sat in silence, smiling at each other for a ridiculous amount of time until I felt my human needs demand immediate attention.

"I'll need to go to the bathroom, might as well grab a shower.. you could," I paused looking around the room. There wasn't much he could do here. He cocked his head to the side as if deeply in thought and moved his hands up and down my arms, before gently lifting me off his lap and onto the bed again. He stood up then, smoothing out his shirt and jeans and looked out of the window.

"If you don't mind I'd like to go on a quick hunt. Won't be long, half an hour if I hurry up."

His brow was scrunched up in a deep frown when his eyes met mine again. They were black, not flat like Edward's had been in the woods, but sparkling with something else than hunger, something very alike.

Desire. A feeling I thought I knew all to well from all my failed attempts to seduce Edward. But Jasper ignited a completely different fire inside me with the feathery caress of his hands and passionate kisses. His touch, despite being cold, set fire to my skin. A fire that spread through my whole body before concentrating on my very core.

He was still looking at me with that burning eyes and I found myself unable to look away, instead I reached out and pulled him down by his shirt. When his face was only inches from mine, I brushed my fingers along his face, tracing his cheekbones, his nose and his jawline before focusing on his lips. His eyes closed whereas his lips parted, his breath cold against my trembling fingertips.

Just then my stomach decided to growl rather loudly and his eyes flew open again. He smiled a gently smile down at me before pressing a chaste kiss on my lips.

"We should probably both eat something. You go hunt a moose and I'll go for a Pop Tart."

His nose wrinkled at that and I couldn't contain my laughter.

"What's it? Don't you like moooooose?" I stretched the last word, mimicking a moose call. I broke out into a fit of giggles at my own bad joke and it only got worse when Jasper pulled up both his eyebrows in disbelief. He shook his head and grinned down at me.

"Moose isn't that bad actually, but I can't believe that'd you eat something so foul smelling for breakfast." he shuddered lightly. "I get cavities from just looking at it. That is... If I could get cavities..."

My stomach growled again and my bladder felt like it was going to burst any second so I shifted a little uncomfortably on the bed.

"Here's the deal, you go to the bathroom and I prepare something healthy for you. You can shower after that and I'll go for a super duper quick hunt."

I nodded eagerly, shooting him a thankful smile and leaned in for a quick peck before sprinting out into the hall and into the tiny bathroom.

Jasper was really quick. When I arrived downstairs only two minutes later he had cut up two apples and a banana and the microwave beeped happily indicating that it was done. He pulled a bowl of oatmeal out and added honey and cinnamon before placing the cut up fruit on top. I looked up at him, rather surprised by his choice of breakfast. My mom used to serve oatmeal when I was in first grade. It was a quick breakfast that kept me fuller longer than a sandwich or cereal, so it was a good breakfast for long days.

Jasper placed the bowl before me and kissed the top of my head before promising to be right back. The bowl sat before me and I smiled down at my spoon. It's been only a few days but I couldn't deny it anymore, I was in love. When Edward left me I thought I could never love again, my heart was not only broken but shattered. The pieces so small that no glue could put them back together. But today I felt the heartbeat in my chest and it was loud and powerful. My heart, however kaput it may seem was finally strong enough to hold love again.

* * *

******Author's Note:**

Hey there, sorry for the rather long wait. I'm really busy at the moment preparing for my trip to Tunisia and uni that starts right after that. Traveling so close to the beginning of the semester was a bad idea.. xD

First kiss.. uiuiui. Did you like it? I hope it keeps you warm until the next chapter, because it'll take me **at least two weeks to update again.**


	13. Chapter 12: Gossip

**Author's Note:** Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. Song used in the beginning is "All I've Ever Needed" by Paul McDonald and Nikki Reed. Can't believe they broke up but Ian is a pretty darn fine man as well if you ask me ;)

* * *

**Chapter 12: Gossip  
**

My bed sheets feel empty  
When you're not home  
Your heartbeat helps me sleep  
Your breath soothes my soul

Baby, you're all  
Baby, you're all  
Baby, you're all I've ever needed  
You're all I've ever needed

I love you more than I knew  
I could ever love someone  
And got it all so deep  
I can barely even breathe  
If I need a shelter from the storm

* * *

**JPOV**

The days went by in a blur. Bella and I fell into an easy pattern and spent as much time together as possible because neither of us wanted to be alone. I would pick her up from school and spent the afternoon with her, only going out to hunt or shower and change when Charlie came back from work. We'd spent every night cuddled up together just talking and reading to each other. Occasionally we'd snog until Bella's lips were all swollen and red but we rarely went beyond that. I had figured out rather fast that she needed more time to actually heal before we could move any further, even though she was practically begging me to touch her. And she was really persuasive at that.

She still expected me to run and it took me a couple of weeks to erase that fear. I could still feel her insecurity and I was working hard to make her see how much I adored her.

We read my journal one night. She kept it in the drawer of her bedside table. I knew she had it but never asked her to give it back. We've been up all night talking that day and I had a hard time convincing her how much I loved her. She wouldn't see how beautiful she looked or how brilliant she was, so I showed her.

At first she was embarrassed when I pulled out the journal. She turned the deepest shade of red and crawled under the covers to hide from me, muttering apologies for taking it and telling me over and over again that she didn't read it. I pulled her up against my chest than and read to her.

When we lay like that I could feel her heartbeat against my chest and my skin would warm up until I felt almost human again. When we lay really still, careful to be covered up to our shoulders I would heat up so we didn't need to put a separating blanket between us. Bella listened very carefully to every word, sometimes perking up to check if I was really reading out what I wrote down a year ago.

This specific journal was like a 500 page long tribute to Bella's beauty. I was praising her looks as well as her brains and above all her wonderful range of emotions. She snuggled into me that night and cried silent tears, asking why I would risk my marriage and family for a human girl and I simply recited what I'd told her long ago.

"You are worth it."

Besides our nightly makeout-sessions we had started to go out more frequently after the first three weeks. Bella's dad came home one night, visibly distraught, and wanted to have a serious talk with her. Charlie ate lunch at the small Diner in town almost every day and since I've started to pick up Bella from school rumors had started that the Cullens were back. We tried to be sneaky but somebody must have seen me hiding in Bella's truck on the school's parking lot and gossip spreads fast in a small town like Forks.

However, when Charlie got home that evening he had already decided what he wanted to say and nothing Bella said or did could change his mind. He was furious with her, for a moment he thought she was seeing Edward again and when she explained that it was indeed me she was with he was a little confused. Their conversation was calmer after that. He told her in no uncertain ways that he wasn't pleased with her and that he would keep an eye on both of us from then on, but Charlie also made clear that he was just worried for his daughter. After all it was a Cullen that broke her heart in the first place and he was not ready to forgive any of us for leaving her all of a sudden.

Whenever I visited her from then on I made sure to stay just a bit after Charlie came home so he could see how happy Bella was with me. He still greeted me with only a curt nod and a gruff sounding hello, but his features would turn soft as soon as he saw Bella. She was radiant and with every passing week her smile grew. The sparkles in her eyes returned and the walls in her bedroom were soon filled with pictures of us in various locations. I was surprised to see the real Bella. She was not the clumsy shy girl anymore that constantly hid behind her hair. She still blushed a lot and bit her lip whenever she felt self-conscious but apart from that she grew into a strong confident woman faster than I expected.

Charlie must have noticed it as well because after I brought Bella home one Sunday afternoon he looked into my eyes, patted my back and told me to come in. Bella had disappeared into the house, flashing us a brilliant smile and her father invited me to sit with him.

"You want a beer?" he asked, opening the fridge and pulling out a can for himself.

"No thank you, sir."

He looked over at me and gave me one of his curt nods before closing the fridge again.

"Sit down boy, I wanted to watch the game." he pointed to the TV where a recorded baseball game was currently paused. I sat on the couch while he resumed his position in his recliner.

"So.. another hiking trip, eh?"

Charlie was not a man of many words but his emotions were just as easy to read as his daughters.

"Yes, sir. She's getting better at it as well." I grinned. It's been a while since she tripped and sprained her ankle. Charlie wasn't pleased back then but Bella refused to let me catch her. She wanted to do things on her own without being pampered and as long as she wasn't in serious danger I was happy to comply.

He kept his gaze locked onto the screen but I heard a small smile in his voice when he spoke again.

"You really make her happy."

It wasn't a question, but a simple statement. We didn't speak much after that but something important shifted between us and when Bella came downstairs again, freshly showered and in a cute set of PJ's, curling up against me, he actually smiled at me. A rather short but genuine smile. When the game ended I kissed Bella goodbye and Charlie shook my hand.

It's been a couple of weeks since that evening and Bella and I were doing pretty good. We spent a lot of "Charlie-approved-time" together, like Bella called it, but I also snuck into her bedroom every night. Charlie might know that Bella and I were quite intimate but he wasn't exactly encouraging it so we avoided the topic of her spending nights over at the Cullen's.

Contrary to the rumors, the Cullen's had not returned yet. Alice however refused to go back to Ithaca and stayed in the master's bedroom spending her days with online shopping and reading fashion magazines on the sofa. She would look up from the glossy pages and give me pointed looks whenever I came by to change. She was becoming rather frustrated with my choice of clothes and was only to happy to vocalize her distress.

Bella however loved my torn jeans and soft leather boots. She called me her cowboy and sometimes whispered "Major" into my skin when I pleasured her. She would look completely stunning in these moments, looking up at me with those big brown eyes, and for just a moment I would feel weightless in her arms. She was the center of my life now and I would do anything to make her happy.

* * *

**BPOV**

Beams of sunlight made their way through the blinds and I had to blink a few times to adjust to the unexpected brightness of my room. The mattress besides me was empty and I groaned when I found the note on the pillow next to me.

_- Good morning darling! Sunny day. I'll be in my study, feel free to come around after school.- _

I let my fingertips travel over Jasper's neat script before rolling over to his side. The pillow smelled like him and I inhaled deeply before crawling out of bed. The sun didn't bother us on weekends. I would meet him at the Cullen's or in the woods in our backyard and we'd take off for the day, usually hiking through the woods or enjoying a picnic at a deserted beach. Sometimes he'd humor me and dive through the cold water, catching fish or collecting seashells. Jasper would start a campfire in the late afternoon and grill the fish, humming quietly. He brought a guitar once and sang to me the whole night. Charlie had been angry at first because I was home after 10pm on a school night but when I showed him my seashell necklace he only shook his head and told me to hurry up and get ready for bed. He wouldn't admit it yet but he liked Jasper. I saw it whenever Jasper picked me up for school and Charlie was still home. There was a new feeling to the way he nodded at him and sometimes I saw a little smile pulling at the edges of his lips.

However that day was a school day and I wouldn't see him till late in the afternoon.

The air that came in through the open window was warm and sweet and I found myself giddy with excitement for the afternoon. Jasper was usually planning something nice for days like that and I'd actually like to go for a quick swim. I packed my schoolbag and an extra backpack with my swimsuit and a few towels and skipped downstairs. Charlie was already sitting at the kitchen table with his coffee and newspapers, he looked up at me and gave me one of his rare smiles.

"Mornin' Bells. Slept well?"

I leaned down to kiss his cheek and laughed when he blushed.

"Like a rock!"

He grunted out a short laugh and put the papers down.

"It's a sunny day. You out after school?" he pointed towards my extra backpack and I grinned down at him.

"Swimmin'." I was beaming at him but he looked sceptically.

"It's April."

I shrugged, looking out of the window where the sun beat down and the sky promised to stay clear.

"Well stay save, tho. You know the waves can be dangerous." he scratched the stubble on his chin before adding "Jasper's coming with you, eh?"

When I nodded happily he looked like he wanted to say more but instead shook his head and muttered something under his breath which sounded a lot like _"..swimming..as if!"_.

Whistling I made my way over to the fridge, slapping together a quick breakfast and placed some of it into a paper-bag for later. Charlie kept quiet while I munched on my sandwich and when I went out to my truck he didn't even look up to say goodbye but made me promise to stay save.

I shook my head on the way out. He'd been awfully relaxed for a while now and I still somewhat expected him to lecture me about my choice of men again but he was simply wishing me a good day every time I went out with Jasper.

The parking lot was unusually crowded with people lingering by their cars, talking to friends or simply turning their faces to the sun. Everybody was soaking up the warmth, knowing that the weather could change any moment. I spent my classes only half listening to the teachers and doodling into my notebook. My thoughts were somewhere entirely else so I yelped a little when Jessica Stanley elbowed me in the rips.

"Bella! Where're you at? You've got it?" she whispered obviously annoyed with me.

I blinked a few times and turned to look at her.

"Got what?"

She groaned and pointed to her notebook.

"Spanish homework."

I blew out a huff of air and began rummaging through the papers on my desk. Pulling out the homework from under a neat pile of vocabulary sheets. I passed her the papers underneath the table.

She shot me a thankful smile and began to copy the work. When she was done she thanked me again and motion for me to come a little closer. I scooted over, cocking my head to the side.

"I was at Mike's yesterday, stayed 'til 4am.." she breathed into my ear. "We've finally made it to homebase"

The expression on my face must have been quite shocked because she broke out into a fit of giggles and smacked my shoulder.

"Oh don't be such a prude. How far have you and Jasper gone?"

I felt the blood rush to my face. Jasper and I had been the number one topic for nearly two month now since Lauren Mallory had seen us kiss when he picked me up from school once. She had been the reason Charlie heard of us at the Diner and confronted me the way he did. Lauren liked to amplify her stories by adding certain uncovered body parts that weren't all that exposed in my side of the story. In fact when we were busted, we hadn't even made it to second base.

"Oh come on now Bella.. tell me all the juicy bits and pieces! He must be sooooo good in the sack." Jessica's eyes were glazing over and she was wearing that dreamy expression she always wore when she was talking about any of the Cullen's. I let my head fall into my hands and groaned again when Lauren suddenly leaned in. She was sitting in the row in front of us, rocking her chair so far backwards that she was almost falling off.

"Yeah Bella, tell us all about it." she whispered in what could have been interpreted as an encouraging tone. Her face was still turned towards the front of the class so the teacher wouldn't notice us so easily. I could hear her smacking her lips when I muttered a quiet _"second base.." _into my palms. It was no use keeping quiet with these girls and if I was totally honest, I wanted to know all about Jessica's experience from the night before.

Lauren scolded me for not jumping Jasper's bones and Jess nodded approvingly adding _"yeah"_ and _"totally"_ now and then. After a few minutes however they shut up about it and Lauren congratulated Jessica on finally getting laid. I was kind of thankful for her talkative nature because I could sit there silently and just listen.

"It hurt like hell for the first few times but he made it up to me." she laughed in a hushed voice. Lauren snorted out a laugh of her own and quizzed her on Mike's size and the positions they tried out. I tuned the conversation out then, but pondered over her words for the rest of the class.

It hurt like hell.

Jasper and I had been a little intimate already and while he had already seen me completely naked once (in the dark and under the covers mind you) I had only felt and not seen him from the waist down. There was no one I could compare him to, but he felt quite big to me and I knew from a few experiences that I could barely take more than two fingers. What if there was going to be blood? I shook the thoughts off and headed into the cafeteria with Lauren and Jess as soon as the bell rung.

Their conversation hadn't ended yet and was soon the center of everyone's attention. The cocktail party effect in all its glory. Say the word penis in a crowded high school cafeteria and I guarantee you every head will turn into the direction of the sound, however low you say it. Soon the boys chimed in, adding bits and pieces to the girls stories and suddenly Mike burst out "Well I didn't bleed at all!" really proud of himself until Jess smacked him with her books.

"You're the boy. Only girls bleed the first time."

The crowd broke out into laughter, some doubling over and wiping away tears when Mike muttered a quiet _"ouch"_ and rubbed the back of his head, looking rather dumbfounded.

"Actually.." Angela spoke up tentatively "It's not supposed to hurt that much. You're not ought to bleed.." She looked really uncomfortable, wriggling about on her chair.

I turned towards her and we began a low conversation while the laughter around us continued.

"How do you know?" I asked, careful not to be to pushy. "Did you and Ben..?" I let the sentence hang in the air. She shook her head but smiled.

"My mom told me. She said if you're careful and well prepared it shouldn't hurt so bad. A few of my friends from bandcamp said the same. You've got to be.. ready.. before you.. you know?"

She shifted awkwardly in her chair so I quickly thanked her and leaned back shutting out everything around me.

A small smile spread across my face. Maybe this could work out for us after all.

* * *

**A/N:**

Hey guys.. I'm back.

I know the chapter's late.. I said two weeks.. :/

I've been not feeling well these past couple of days. Uni started again and I've got a nasty gastric flu...

However I'll try to post weekly again, just don't hate me if I can't make it. Anyway, I loooove you! Please tell me what you think. Future chapters will be M rated, just so you know.


	14. Chapter 13: Prowl

**Author's Note:** Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. Song used in the beginning is "Read My Mind" by the Killers. Seriously guys... does anybody still read this? Am I doing that for nobody? Anyways, cool song, nice lyrics. Thought about creating a public playlist on youtube with all the songs I used/that inspired me. Thoughts?

* * *

**Chapter 13: Prowl**

Oh well I don't mind,

you don't mind  
'Cause I don't shine if you don't shine  
Before you jump

tell me what you find  
When you read my mind

* * *

**JPOV**

My study is one of the few places I actually loved in this house now that the family wasn't here anymore. Nothing changed about my feeling towards this place. It felt sacred and comforting. The wood paneling gave the whole room a warm feeling even on the often rainy days. Today however, wasn't rainy. It was sunny and bright outside. The sun send long beams through the blinds and I watched as the dust motes danced through the air, disappearing into the shadows before they reappeared in the next ray of sunlight.

I had come here today just after dawn. By the time the fist beams had hit my skin I was already up and out of Bella's window. When I got to the house Alice sat unmoving on the couch. She looked bitter, as always, and tried to hide behind a new glossy magazine but I snatched it from her iron grip as soon as I breezed in.

"What the fuck is your problem?" my voice was booming through the empty house, "You couldn't have send a text or anything to tell me that it'll be sunny today?!"

Alice just lifted her brow and cocked her head to the side.

"You're here now, so what's the problem?" she grabbed another magazine from the coffee table and crossed her legs before lifting the pages to hide her face again.

"It's not like we burn in the sun or anything.."

Her words just added fire to my fury and I stormed over to the neat pile of designer clothes she'd ordered over the last weeks and threw them out of the open kitchen window. They landed with a satisfactory 'splash' right in the middle of the gigantic mud puddle that once had been Esme's garden. I heard her sigh followed by a low 'thump' as she let the magazine fall onto the table again.

"Jasper do we have to fight every time you come here?" her voice sounded exhausted and I could feel a lot of frustration from her. Whipping around to face her I let my anger take over, because fuck that little pixie and her self pity and fuck the weather that kept me away from Bella today, I was angry.

"Oh shut the fuck up Alice. You're such a righteous little bitch!" I growled at her and stormed off into my study. She resumed her position on the couch muttering profanities at me, knowing full well that I could hear her from any place in this house.

What had been Bella's refuge a while ago had become mine whenever I spent the day over at the house. I'd usually sit in my old leather armchair and write or read, I hadn't continued my journals since we left Forks half a year ago. Summer was approaching fast this year even though April was barely over. I decided to plan a nice trip somewhere but the notebook sat untouched on the table before me and the pen was dangling between my fingers. Something kept distracting me and I couldn't fathom one clear thought. Putting the notebook and pen down I rummaged around for my laptop.

The internet was one of the best inventions for vampires that built themselves homes and didn't live the wild nomadic lifestyle. There was almost nothing you couldn't buy via internet. I absolutely loved it. I bought a whole lot of clothes online a few weeks into my relationship with Bella. She wouldn't say it out loud but she loved me in tight black shirts and torn jeans.

A tentative knock on the door pulled me out of my thoughts. I couldn't detect a heartbeat but even without that evidence it was clear to me who stood on the other side of the door. Alice emotions were like a big black cloud that darkened even the brightest days. But today there was something else to the always constant whirlwind of self-loathing, guilt and hurt. Fear. Had she finally made up her mind and wanted to talk to me? I took a few seconds to prepare myself, shoving my laptop into a drawer and clearing the desk before I called her in.

Her petite form appeared inside the doorway. She looked sick and when her eyes met mine a sudden spike of nervousness was shooting up inside her. Her eyes darted around the room as she made her way over to the desk I was now sitting behind.

I had only two chairs in my study. The one behind the desk and my leather armchair in the middle of the room. There was no need for a second chair at the desk. Nobody came into my study to talk to me and even if, vampires didn't need to sit down. I liked it this way. Nobody would mistake my study for a place I wanted to share. Standing in front of someone sitting behind a desk was uncomfortable even if you didn't need to sit down in the first place. Most visitors would leave as soon as they made clear what they wanted from me.

My study was nothing like Carlisle's. No inviting couches and loveseats. No little coffee table in the middle of the room where everybody could meet up while he was working.

Alice let her fingers trail over the surface of y heavy wooden table, tracing the marbling with her fingertips.

"He's coming."

She spoke so fast and low that I had trouble understanding her. I needed a second to understand her words and another to comprehend the meaning. As soon as the words truly sunk in I was on my feet, hands clenched into angry fists at my side. Range and fear was boiling up inside me, threatening to spill over. Alice retreated, slowly walking backwards until her heels met the wall. I knew that I was projecting now, for Alice whimpers filled the room, but I couldn't keep myself in check at the sheer thought of him.

"When?"

One words, pressed between gritted teeth. It was all I had to know before I would rush out and get Bella. Fuck the sun and fuck my sparkling skin. I would get her and run with her no matter if someone might see my sparkling ass in the process.

Alice winced, her hand searching for the door handle behind her back. Fear and guilt rippled through her as she closed her eyes and breathed out.

"Right now."

I was out of the house in a second, glad once more that my family had chosen a place covered in dense woods for their house. I hadn't made it very far when Alice appeared next to me. She must have been right behind me but in my fear and fury I hadn't felt her presence. She had trouble keeping up with me, though, so she jumped up into the trees, leaping from branch to branch, nearly flying through the woods, only inches above my head.

"He only just made the decision to go for her."

Her words cut right through me. I knew that he wouldn't come here for me or Alice. His target had only ever been Bella and now she would pay the price for my decision to let him live.

"I should have ripped him apart..."

I projected my fury, carrying it like a cape. It was so dense I could almost see it.

"I don't know how he managed to..."

I shushed her with a simple look. Everybody in this family knew exactly how Alice gift worked and nobody knew better than him. It wasn't easy but he had the most experience in that field. I wasn't surprised that Alice hadn't seen it, I was surprised.. no disappointed that I hadn't seen it coming.

We were getting closer to the school's parking lot, careful to stay in the shadows. His scent was more prominent at the back of the school. I ran to the spot he must have hid in, scanning the surroundings for stray students. I went around the building, my anxiety growing when I couldn't find him. Alice went very still besides me, her eyes focusing again after a few seconds. The look of sheer terror on her face made me fall to my knees.

"He's got her."

Alice disappeared in a blur, leaving me alone on the forest floor.

Why didn't I protect her?

How could he have gotten away with this?

Shouldn't Carlisle and Esme have kept him in Ithaca?

I buried my face into my palms, bending over so that my head was resting on the muddy floor. I felt the rush of air when Alice reappeared at my side.

"Her car is still in the lot. His scent is very strong there as well as hers. He must have gotten her there... don't know what she wanted at her car, though. She'd have another two periods.." Alice was babbling now, panic audible in the tremble of her voice.

I straightened myself, letting my hands fall down and the fear that had paralyzed me turned into fury at the thought of him stealing Bella in broad daylight. I sprang to my feet and whipped around to face Alice. She looked like she might throw up.

"We've got to find her."

Her eyes found mine again and with a simple nod we took of into the direction he must've taken her.

* * *

**EPOV**

She was at school when I finally arrived in Forks.

Avoiding to think of her proofed to be a nearly impossible task. I let my mind wander around a lot, changing plan, thinking about faraway places and college. Another degree in architecture maybe or an extended trip to Norway? Of course these weren't real options for me. There was nothing in the world that could keep me away from that sweet, sweet blood. But I needed everyone to believe that I truly desired to keep myself occupied.

Esme helped a lot. She adored me, her little prince. In her eyes I was still only a seventeen year old boy, not the monster we all were, but kind, compassionate, polite Edward. She was the reason I was finally able to go out again after the rather long grounding Carlisle ordered.

Nobody suspected anything. I even went through the troubles of buying a ticket to Europe and let Esme and Carlisle accompany me to the airport. If they only knew that I never boarded the plane.

I focused on the thoughts of different students that shared classes with her. Watching her from every possible angle until she had a period with Jessica Stanley. I despised that girl. She was shallow and noisy. Her thoughts mostly revolved around herself only to be interrupted by some disgusting daydreams of her and various boys.

I remembered the time when she lusted after me a few years back. Her thoughts weren't as explicit then but there was a certain amount of nibbling and licking she wouldn't have loved that much if my razor sharp teeth had actually gotten anywhere near her throat.

Their conversation started of with Jessica's demand to copy Bella's homework. I growled when her thoughts turned nasty again, this time with Bella and Jasper in the leading roles, as she tried to figure out why Bella was spacing out so much lately. The little innocent chit-chat switched to rather impure topics, such as Jessica's defloration the night prior. I tried very hard not to see her little flashbacks but Mike Newton was now invading my mind and oh Lord.. I did not want to see this.

When Bella declared how far she and my so called brother had already gone I accidentally unrooted a small tree to my right. I let the splinters fall to the ground and leaned against the bigger tree to my left.

I could hardly keep the monster in check but I couldn't lose control. Not yet. Even though all I wanted to do was rip Jasper to shreds. Burn every part of him she had touched and erase his marks on her. I would replace them with mine. Brush away the evidence of his presence on her.

A sudden image of Bella and Jasper kissing in the parking lot appeared before my inner eye. Lauren Malory had caught them making out in Bella's truck and told everybody in town. My chest rumbled with another growl and I slammed my head back so hard that the tree behind me shook violently.

The class ended and the bunch of giggling girls made their way to the cafeteria where they met up with the boys. The lewd talk continued and I had to spit out several times because angry venom pooled in my mouth.

When Angela Weber told her that first times didn't necessarily involves blood I couldn't help but notice the instant relief and hope on Bella's face. It was disgusting. I've been away only a short time but that was enough for Jasper to completely corrupt her. Sweet innocent Bella was turning into a trollop.

When she voiced her desire to step out a bit before the next period I was utterly thrilled. None of her friends shared her interest and so she came out all alone and vulnerable.

I followed her to her truck, keeping just inside of the shadows until I was sure that nobody would follow her.

She leaned against that rusty old car of hers and hummed a sweet tune, eyes closed, face turned towards the sun. I approached slowly, taking my time. Each step brought me closer to my target, my prey. I inhaled deeply and was met with the familiar burn. My body was coiled tightly. Every muscle ready to pounce. My monster rattled at his cage, growling and snarling, yearning to strike.

As I got closer, rainbow-like sparkles danced across her face. The sunlight reflected from my skin caught in her long tresses and brought out different shades of brown, gold and red.

"A sight for sore eyes."

Her head whipped around towards my voice, her big brown eyes staring at me in disbelief. I could see myself reflected in the mirror of her eyes. The monster staring back at me, just like the first time I breathed her in.

"Edward" Her voice was barely a whisper but it conveyed enough of her fear and shock.

I grinned, a mask of pure evil falling over my features as I took in the fast pace of her pulse

She was mine now and nothing could stop me anymore.

I licked my teeth in anticipation and within a fraction of a second we disappeared from the parking lot.

She had no time to process anything that was happening as I had flung her onto my back and took off as fast as I could.

Her shrieks filled the air around me and a bark of laughter escaped my lips as we made it out of Forks within a few seconds.

She was mine.

* * *

**A/N:**

Guys... I know it's been two weeks again, even though I said one. Truth is, I'm not able to keep up this fast pace anymore. I feel like shit. Been to the hospital last week and they wanted to keep me there and perform a (minor) surgery. I went home, tho. Uni is stressing and I can't miss any classes. Especially not during the first weeks. I'm not going to lie: I feel like shit and writing this story isn't really one of my top priorities right now. It just takes to much time. Doesn't mean I won't continue or finish it. I love it and I love you guys. I just wished that someone could come with a magically devise and extract all the fabulous ideas I've got for this piece and transform it into a nicely phrased story. I feel somewhat depressed...

Where do you want this story to go? Please let me know anything you've got to say. Really. I appreciate every little thought!

Thanks for your patience and love. xxx


	15. Chapter 14: Skin

**Author's Note:** I'm sorry it's been so long. Twilight and all its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. Song used in the beginning is "Skin" by Alexz Johnson. Found the title fitting, maybe I'll change them all to be the title of the songs I used. Does Anybody Read This, or..?!

* * *

**Chapter 14: Skin**

I drift away to a place  
Another kind of life  
Take away the pain  
I create my paradise

Everything I've held  
Has hit the wall  
What used to be yours  
Isn't yours at all

Falling apart, and all that I'm asking  
Is it a crime, am I overreacting

Oh, he's under my skin  
Just give me something to get rid of him  
I've got a reason now to bury this alive  
Another little white lie

* * *

**WARNINGS:** M rated for blood, language and smut.

* * *

**JPOV**

There were times when I felt blessed for my perfect vampire memory. Times when I lay in bed with Bella, her breathing even, emotions playing across her face while her mouth was constantly working. Small sighs escaping those perfect lips along with my name and declarations of love and affection. Nights when she lay splayed out over my chest, her heartbeat so apparent on my skin that I could have mistaken it for my own, her body-heat warming my cold, stone-hard flesh. Times when I would feel human with her. I would replay those moments over and over in my head.

I had memorized every moment we shared, I could identify her by her heartbeat, her very own rhythm. Her breathing patterns, every flutter of her heartbeat, I had it stored away in my brain.

However, a perfect memory can also be a burden. One I learned to bear a long time ago. When the burn ate away at my humanity, leaving me without a trace of my human self. Years and years of terror, wrath and blood.

My time in Maria's army had been the most excruciating period of my existence. I was forced to endure not only my own pain but also the one around me. Every life I took, the innocent as well as the tarnished once. I could feel their pain, their misery and the ultimate betrayal in the moment they realized that I had taken their life from them not only the first time (when I'd taken the human one) but also for the last time, ridding the world of their existence once and for all.

I had to live with those painful memories and I cursed every day I spent at Maria's side, unable to disobey, unable to die, unable to forget. Those years haunted me and I was thankful for the abstinence of nightmares that came with the absence of sleep.

The scene that unfolded before me was something entirely else, though. The burn was nothing compared to the horrible image that was now branded into my mind for all time. I would have relived a thousand bad memories, gladly accepted any form of torture and pain, the burn all over, if I could only forget the horrible scene I witnessed when I finally found my mate again.

Alice and I chased Edwards trail all over the country. We lost and retrieved it over and over again, marching through dense forests, steep hills and cursing rivers. The chase led us south, east and north again. He was constantly making up his mind and Alice alternated between horrified whimpers and outraged growls. The fast pace she set and her constant whimpers as we trailed Edward across the U.S. should have warned me, but nothing could have prepared me for the actual scene anyway.

While we chased them their scent grew constantly weaker. The rivers and rain washed away the trail, and the time it took us to find it again gave Edward the opportunity to expand his already big head-start. I grew impatient, mad with the desire to claim my mate and bring her to safety. In my head was no room for vengeance, my instincts told me to grab Bella and get her the hell out of whatever danger she was in. My dead heart was burning in my chest and my head was pounding with the terror I felt from her. When the distance between us began to shrink I felt a new sort of terror. Our fast approach could only mean one thing. He had stopped. Our time was running out, whatever decision he made now, it was most likely going to cost Bella her life.

When we finally reached an abandoned motel in the outskirts of some small town in Kansas I knew that my Bella was only seconds away from me. Her emotions were so strong that I had trouble keeping myself upright. My heart was burning in my chest and Alice had to drag me the rest of the way. When we opened the door all the air in my lungs evaporated. My vision contracted to the small bed in the corner of the room. I couldn't see, smell or feel anything but her.

Bella lay almost naked on the filthy bed. Her arms and legs bound to the bedposts, wrists and ankles bloody from her strain against the ropes. The material was cutting into her flesh, but the blood was already drying, as opposed to the large amount that covered the rest of her body. A small trail was leading from her neck to the soaked pillow on which her head rested. Her beautiful mahogany hair was fanned out behind her, dirty and tangled. Blood was oozing out of the many crescent shaped bite marks that littered her arms and legs.

When my gaze fell to her face I saw that her eyes were heavy-lidded. She was barely conscious, her breathing ragged and the small noises she made almost completely swallowed by a dirty cloth in her mouth. Snot and tears were drying on her nearly translucent skin.

An ugly sob escaped my mouth at the sight of her. My heart broke for her, my strong beautiful Bella. Her eyes snapped up at the sudden sound of our approach and when her gaze met mine, I could see the sheer terror behind her big brown orbs.

"Mmefspa.." fresh tears spilled out of her eyes as she squeezed them shut. She turned her body away from me, straining herself further against the ropes.

My mind disconnected at the sight of her shutting me out. I could feel her pain and fear, I felt the hope and love she holds towards me when I entered the room and still she was shutting me out. Turning herself away even though it meant that the ropes cut further into her soft flesh, bringing forth more blood.

I went to my knees besides the bed, ripping the ropes from the bedpost, careful not to hurt her any more. She whimpered softly when I pulled the cloth from her mouth and covered her body with the sheets, before crushing her to my chest and flying out of the room.

I acted on pure instinct, leaving Alice to deal with Edward. My one and only concern was the safety of my mate, even though I would have liked nothing more than to rip that bastard apart.

Bella's cries turned into quieter sobs before dying down completely. Now and then a little hiccup ragged her body, disturbing the silence around us as I sped across the country.

My hopes were high that Alice would punch the f out of him, but I've spent enough time with Alice to know that she would never punish her precious brother like I would. I'd like to rip him apart and burn him piece by piece, leaving the head for the end so he could watch himself slowly dying until nothing but ashes were left behind. I wanted to end him...

Alice would merely scold him, drag him back to mom and dad and leave his limbs attached. She loved him so deeply that I couldn't even be angry at her. The Cullen's were her family. Not only the one she chose but also the one that her visions, her destiny had chosen for her. She would not risk her family for my revenge and I would not ask that of her. I could only hope that she would care for Bella's safety as much as she cared for her family.

The woods flew by at an incredible speed, blurring together as I cradled Bella in my arms, her head turned into my jacket to avoid the harsh wind. Her even breathing signaled that she had fallen asleep and I concentrated on her steady heartbeat to make sure that she was alright. She must have lost a lot of blood.. I shuddered when the image popped into my mind again and pressed myself further.

I did not notice where I was running to until the familiar sight of New Orleans appeared before me. A beautiful city, full of myths and history. Still suffering from the tragedy of the last summer. I had not checked on my property since but was pleasantly surprised to find it relatively unharmed. Carlisle made sure to donate a large amount of money without knowing that I myself had a little home there, hidden deep inside of the bayou.

I placed Bella onto the kind sized bed and unwrapped her still sleeping form. Her eyes flew open and fresh tear began to pool in them once again.

"Jasper."

It was only a small noise, a mere whimper but the sorrow and despair that were conveyed in it nearly broke me. She raised her hand to my face and I leaned into her touch, locking eyes with her. I could feel the range of emotions. The terror that still burned just beneath the surface, threatening to take over any moment, but also the love she felt for me and the serenity my touch brought her. Brought us. Wrapping a blanket of love and calm around her, not enough to manipulate her feelings, but enough so she would feel protected and loved, I began to examine her wounds.

Instinct took over as I felt the soothing purr rumbling in my chest. Something I couldn't stop until the animal inside me confirmed Bella's safety. This wasn't going to happen with so much blood around. Clasping her hand in mine I began to lick the crescent shaped marks on her arms. Sealing the wounds with my venom and cleaning her skin of blood, which I found to be mostly animal blood. I was relieved but also confused. Why would she be covered in such a large amount of animal blood?

Done with the first arm I looked into her eyes again, seeking permission to continue. Her eyes, big and wondering, held so much love and adoration that my heart began to swell. She gave a small nod, so I continued, all the while holding onto that small hand of hers.

I traveled up and down her body, cleaning every inch of bloodied skin and sealing the wounds I found, constantly monitoring her emotions.

When I reached the deep gash across her neck my calming purr turned into an angry growl, building slowly but steadily. His teeth had ripped into her skin, harshly tearing her flesh apart. It was a miracle that she was still alive and breathing. Bella's hand left mine to grab my chin, gently lifting my face to hers.

"It's alright." her voice was small and quivering. "I..I am alright."

Oh Bella... beautiful, strong Bella. My compassionate girlfriend and mate. I was the one that should reassure her and here she was, gently smiling at me.

I pulled her face closer to mine then, touching my lips to her still smiling ones. I poured every ounce of love I felt for her into that kiss. When I pulled away again she was still smiling, eyes brimmed with happy tears and the only emotion that filled the air around us was love.

"I love you."

"I love you."

Leaning in again I let my forehead rest against hers. Our breaths mingling, disturbing the dust motes.

If we stayed like that for hours, days, weeks. I would be perfectly content. However there was still the outraged animal inside of me that wanted to make sure my mate was alright, and even though her emotions were mostly fine now, her body was not.

I lowered her to the bed again, placing her head onto the dusty pillows. Hovering over her, my arms to either side of her head, one leg between hers. The rumbling in my chest had receded to a soft purr again. My attention was once again drawn to the deep gash across her neck. It wasn't bleeding anymore, but it must have been bad. Her hair was caked in with dried blood and the whole side of her neck and shoulder were smudged with blood that was already chipping off.

I licked across her sensitive skin, cleaning away the dried up fluids until the flesh around the cut was clean. A harsh purple bruise formed down to her shoulder and the wound was reddened at the edges. I inhaled deeply, ignoring the burning ache in my throat. I had licked away fresh trails of Bella's blood along with a lot of animal blood. There was no chance that I was giving in now. The wound smelled alright, though. No signs of infection...yet. I had to seal it but I had to make sure that there was no venom remaining in her system. She wasn't crying out in pain, so I was rather positive that her blood was clean but better safe than sorry.

"Bella, honey." my voice sounded hoarse to my own ears.

My eyes must have been the darkest black and I could feel the monster rattling in its cage, but I was stronger than this. The mating instincts were stronger than this. The urge to protect Bella overthrew the urge to satiate my thirst.

"I have to check if there is any venom left in your system."

Her breathing and heartbeat were even. Her emotions still a little affected from stress and fear but otherwise calm. She sent a wave of trust and love my way and I took an unnecessary breath before bending down again so close my lips over the wound.

I took one careful pull, her blood was readily rushing to the surface, filling my mouth with the fresh taste of Bella.

Suddenly there was a whole nother problem I hadn't even considered. A hot wave of lust cursed through my body, leaving my pants impossibly tight. Bella's sudden moan didn't help along as I swiftly took another pull of her blood. Her hands flew to my head, pressing me against her neck while her hips rocked into me once, twice..

A deep growl built in my chest, vibrating against hers as I pulled her closer to me. I sealed the cut in her neck and pulled away quickly, leaving a trail of fresh blood behind. Small droplets fell from my lips and gathered on Bella's. We looked into each others eyes for a long moment and I saw myself reflected in her dilated pupils.

My eyes were black with desire and hunger, the dark shadows under them in stark contrast to my pale skin. My lips were covered in Bella's blood, small trails leading down my chin. It wasn't the face I was afraid of. Not the angry monster that ripped through bodies and stood in the rain of blood. My features were even, relaxed and showed no sign of anger.

Bella shocked me again when she dove right in to kiss me, tasting her own blood on my tongue. She didn't flinch or faint. Instead she kissed me with a new fervor, hungry and demanding and I was only too happy to reply.

Tilting her head with one hand to get better access and grabbing her hips with the other to grind her into my leg I took the leading role. She moaned into my mouth, fingers flying to my scalp, scratching and pulling. I felt her lust spike when her ministrations elicited a growl from me. The vibrations sent chills along her spine, raising the little hairs on her arms.

This was heaven.

She was falling apart with each thrust of my hips, each flick of my tongue. Squirming under me, her hands grabbing onto my shoulders, my back, my butt. She was exquisite. Nearly naked and flushed. Her heartbeat fluttering like a little bird as she came up for air, breathing my name. A mixture between plea and prayer. I gazed lovingly into her eyes before moving down to kiss her neck, shoulder, collarbone. I nuzzled the crook of her neck, inhaling before letting out a shuddered breath.

She was divine and she was mine.

I let my hands roam while I traveled further down, tracing her ribs, her hipbone, the backside of her tight. Bella was quivering under me before I even made it to her breasts. The peaks awake and seeking attention as I descended upon them, enveloping one with my lips, giving it a gently tug before moving to the other. Her moans grew deeper, the scent of her arousal clouding my mind as I traveled further down.

There was no way of knowing what I might find once I'd get there. We hadn't tried anything like this before. Partly out of fear what that close proximity to a main artery could cause me to lose control, partly because Bella had been shy about it. But now I knew that I could drink her blood and stay in control...so why not give it a try?

The urge to taste her became irresistible the closer I got to that tempting territory. She spread her legs willingly, small whimpers catching in her throat when my fingers danced across the sensitive skin of her inner tights, landing on her hipbone where I let them rest for a while. My lips landed next to her belly button, gently nibbling around it before diving in, cheekyly flicking it with my tongue. She squirmed under me, a mix of frustration, lust and a small amount of discomfort. Handy thing, being an empath.

Pressing small open mouthed kisses to her abdomen I let my hands travel further down, cupping her mound with one hand and her tight with the other. I ran my fingers up and down, feeling the hardening nub through the thin material. Bella's breathing became erratic, her head was thrashing more and more with every stroke. One final kiss to her hipbone, seeking permission once again to continue, I hooked my fingers under the elastics on either side of her pants.

Her scent became overpowering as soon as I lifted the small amount of fabric that covered her, ripping the dampened material away carelessly. Small goosebumps raised across her creamy skin as my cool breath ghosted over the overheated flesh of her center.

I could not keep my emotions in check as she lay before me, finally bare and in the dim light of the setting sun. Her heart beat furiously, her skin colouring under my heated gaze.

The first stroke of my tongue was slow, deliberate. Probing the flesh, barely sinking into her folds, just a first taste to test the territory. I grew bolder with the second and third stroke, slowly devouring her by the fourth. Parting her lips, circling the sensitive bundle until it stood errect and demanding.

Licking up and down I mapped her body in my mind, committing every moan to memory, replaying the actions to confirm what she liked. Bella withered, squealed in surprise and moaned when I stroked her directly. I alternated between soft and strong strokes, flat tongue and pointed tip, swiveling up what she was giving me and relishing in the sweet strong taste of her arousal. Sweeter than any blood I've ever tasted, including her own. If I could only live of that. I was sure she was more than willing to give.

Bella's hands found my head, grabbing fistfulls of hair, urging me on. Her back was arching, her legs shaking, eyes closet, mouth hanging open. She was beautiful like that. Panting and sweating, biting her lip so hard that she almost drew blood.

Pushing one finger slowly inside her I began to work her methodically. Push, flick, turn, lick, bending the finger, slow long strokes against her pulsating nub, push, flick, turn, lick. She was barely hanging on, nearly falling over the edge but not quite there yet.

I pushed as second finger inside, slowly stretching her, all the while keeping up the motions with my tongue.

"Jasper..ugh..ple..lease."

Her voice was low and husky, and I could not deny her any longer. I curled my fingers inside her, hitting that sweet spot and flattened my tongue directly against the little bundle of nerves. She tumbled over the edge, legs quivering, her pelvic rubbing against my mouth wildly as her orgasm rolled over her. The feeling of her walls clenching around my fingers made me growl out against her which again resulted in sweet sounds from her throat.

I lapped up her arousal, growling against her when nothing was left to devour. A cute little chuckle ripped me out of my chase for more and when I looked up I found Bella looking at me. Her cheeks and neck rosy and glistening with sweat, eyes shining bright and a gorgeous smile on that plumb red lips. She looked positively ravished.

Crawling up her body I captured her lips in mine, kissing her long and slow before pulling away. She was beaming up at me, love and admiration pouring out of her every pore.

"I love you."

"I love you."

* * *

**A/N:**

Long Time No See guys! I've been writing this chapter for two weeks now and it wasn't getting better. Thought I'd just post it and maybe have better luck next chapter. I'm still sick-ish. Been to the hospital again but they didn't help me just kept me there for three days... don't wanna see that bill o_o''

However, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Next one's Edwards POV. Bet cha all wanna know what happened to this lovely fella ;) ;)

(AHHH and another thing. Smut rather explicit or like this?)

Love you, cya, byeeee :* 3


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